My little emotional world.

scribbles

2008-01-02T04:35:00.000+08:00

Recently I’m getting more emotional over petty things. Perhaps spending too much time working isn’t such a good idea. Funny thoughts seem to attack me most often when I’m sick or tired. –Working, but dreaming of you-

I’m beginning to understand myself. I’m not lack of love –an excuse that I give to myself when I’m sad- but instead, I actually have too much love from everybody. I admit that I like the attention but when the love turns into possession, I’ll freak out and run. I know I’m selfish, selfish to ask for so much and yet, giving in so little. Sorry my dear, I’m just not ready to be called as yours. I wish for your care, your concern, your love; but I hate to be controlled. I ran across an article on the net which reflects my feelings well.

“Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk -- run from the relationship.”
I believe this is true because it is what I felt.

You might think that I’m still the flirt who seeks for attention, the idiot who does not care for others’ feelings, the bitch who cling onto guys; but I’ve never complained. Perhaps I really did give such an impression to most people, but what I did was just joking around. I’ve never intended any harm to anyone, or even, to you. Perhaps, I went overboard with my jokes and I gave the wrong signal to the guys. I apologize sincerely.

-Never wanted to snatch your friends
-Never wanted to make you sad

-------------------------------------

-Perhaps, what I wished for was only care and concern-
-I still enjoy freedom-
-Possession is NOT Love-

MIA - II

2007-12-31T19:08:00.000+08:00

Weeks passed without any blog entries, and today, ah gong complained again >.<

He: baby didn't update blog again
Me:
Me: lazy wors
He:
He: no heart
He: so hard make you blog skin you don't use
Me:
Me: I’ll update later >.<

So, yea~ here’s my blog entry (as promised)

2 weeks before my holiday, I fell down in school again and this time round, I sprained my left ankle and bruised my right knee, also with some tiny bruises on my arms too. The ankle wasn’t that bad but I couldn’t really walk well for close to 2 weeks. With assignments due dates on each Friday, I practically spent a few Thursday nights doing some last minute rushing work.

*prays hard that I can pass*

That Friday, classiemon came over to fetch me to school to submit the assignment and it was drizzling in the morning. Having to cross the road to get my assignment photocopied, I found myself being really clumsy hoping around and darn those stupid cars that doesn’t bother stopping for a poor girl. Of course~ he offered to carry me across the road and that’s when the cars slowly to look at him carrying me. Perhaps this is what we call as.. Malaysians’ attitude?

*press fast forward button*

Holidays came on 14th December and I went back to hometown with him. The day after I reached home, I had to help uncle in his shop again, so, for the past week, I’ve been working 14hours a day *without salary*. With this, my sleeping time reduces to only 4hours a day. It’s not that I’m not tired, but I’m just unwilling to sleep.

Sickness and pain didn’t forget their usual visit and I was sick with some kind of infection for a few days. The worse part was, I still have to work despite having a constant 38.2deg fever.

Tried to be a hero on Saturday and I end up falling down when I failed to help the auntie up. Maybe she’s just too heavy for me or I’m just too clumsy to lose balance and fall. *sayangs pigu and hands* Got myself all wet and cousin pointed at the wet and dirty looking me when I walked into the shop and.. he laughed!

He: please take a look at yourself
Me:
Mum: girl, you’re just so clumsy
Me:
*they never bother comforting me*

The bruises really hurt de lors >.<

-brain stucked ler.. to be edited later-

MIA - I

2007-12-05T01:32:00.000+08:00

Kel (my ahgong) complained that my blog has been totally dead since more than a month ago. I asked myself, "is it really that I have nothing to write about? Or am I just too tired and shameful to show my emotional side to anyone?" -The second reason seem to be more realistic-

I don't quite remember the details but there're quite some moments that really got deep into my fragile heart and empty mind.

Perhaps I’ll begin with the happenings between me and`Oh.MyPriNcESsKiM.It hadn’t been good for both of us. I got into some argument with her back in October and we both cried quite a lot. Every time when I feel that I’m losing her, I’ll start to cry and vice versa. The emotional bond within us is growing stronger by the days and I believe that we can now share each other’s feelings. Anyway, I'm glad that it's over for now. All I can say is that we aren’t just close friends. We share, we care, we love.

Besides that, I now have a pangya family which is rather complicated to others.
`Oh.My CutE PaPa~Louis
`Oh.My MaMa~Meadow
`Oh.My MeiMei~dQx
`Oh.My MeiMei~Music
`Oh.My DiDi~Eggie
As about how we really are connected, I can only say that it’s super hard to explain and even if I do explain, you’ll need time to understand.

Louis papa is really a cool daddy and I remember the times when he’ll call me up to sing some songs to me. He’ll even try to act cute while talking to me in order to make me stop crying. Though this family is weird enough, but we really had great times together and we are now known as slackers in pangya lobby.

Besides, I’ve been having a hard time with other players too. Not only that I find them being annoying, but they are actually quite ridiculous. I know that my reputation ain’t that good but that doesn’t mean that just anybody can come around and start spreading rumours. I don’t argue not because you’re right about the things you said about me, but I just think that you’re not worth my time. I learnt my precious lesson from these people.

So what if you think I’m a flirt? You’re just like me in some way or another.
So what if you call me a bully? I still have my own group of friends.
So what if you hate me? It’s not that I like you any better.

So what if you backstab me? I've got the trust from my friends.
So what if I act cute? Some people think that I’m indeed cute.

#1: some people are born jealous and envious
#2: some are just bored and lame
Minus the tears and sadness, add in the love and care.

Overall, I still think I gained~

-------------------------
-I’ve lost some reputation, but I gained more fame.-

You might say you like me, but I still think it's fake.

Even if it's not true, does it matter still?

I'm getting lazy =X

2007-10-04T02:20:00.000+08:00

It’s been more than just “a while” since I blogged. Is it because I have nothing to blog about? Or am I just plain lazy? –the second reasons seems to be more like it-

Anyway, quite a few major thing happened in the past weeks and the very first on the list was..

My 19th Birthday~!
Me: Happy Birthday to ME~
Kel: Happy birthday to baby Rene
Kel: *meassure height*
Kel: grow up 1 year more already

Me: 171cm?
Kel: so tall

Me:

-I'm not short-~

Then, when I told him that I injured my finger,
Kel: 19 years old
Kel: as silly as she was 18
Kel:
Me:
Me: and 18 years old..
Me: as silly as she was...?
Kel: still as silly as 17?
Kel:
Me:
Kel: silly till
Kel: hmm
Kel: 5 years old?
Me:
-I’m as silly as always-

Then, I had a cute conversation with my dear too

Me: Dear I crycry again..
Her: Why crycry?
Me: Emo ba?
Her: You must enjoy your day ya~ Stay cool & smile always
Her: NoNo Moody Nono Emo, ShOoOoOo~~~
Her: `HearTs Dear MoST~`!!
Me: *hugs tight*
-I really love this girl-

Then, I had an argument with him too. When he asked me for the reason, I didn’t know how to answer. I scolded him for no reason. I think it was just me being too emotional on my birthday.
Me: Sorry my mon

The next few days were quite boring and there weren’t much changes to my daily routine of attending class and coming home. Things were quite normal except that workload in school was increasing rapidly. Had to deal with group projects and assignments during the weekends and weekdays were filled with cases readings.

Dad and mum dropped by on Wednesday night and I talked to them for a while and I got to hug mummy tight and kissed her for her birthday(27th September) before they left to head back to Ipoh. And then on Friday, I woke up in the morning with a pain in the throat and when I checked, I was having fever as well. This stupid illness dragged on for close to one whole week. Every night I’ll have problem getting to sleep as I would have to wake up every few minutes to catch my breath. The weird part of it is that I can sleep quite well in the afternoon though I still have to wake up to clear my throat and phlegm every now and then.

Kel: Tomorrow paps shop patch

Kel: Make a wish?
Me: o.O
Me: *hope that I can recover faster*
Kel: hmm..
Kel: *insert 500 pang*
Kel: hope the same too
-thanks for your 500 pangs wish-

I might have neglected your feelings for the past week but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I still love you as much as I used to; if not more. Don’t let those silly thoughts bother you, okies? *hugs tight* I hate to see you behaving like this as it shows the lack of trust between us. The feeling hurts.

----------------------------
This girl is sick and weak
I’m feeling weak, not because of illness
-But it’s because you don’t trust me-

-Insecurity-

2007-09-12T19:39:00.000+08:00

It’s been really bad for this silly girl as I start to think more and more. The feeling of insecurity is really tearing me down. I constantly remind myself that things aren’t as bad as they may seem to be but deep inside, my heart says otherwise. If you were to ask me if anything happened, I can be very definite that everything is okay. It’s just me, just me losing confidence in everything.

I used to think that I can make you love me and now that you said you love me, I began to hesitate. Is it really the love that I’ve been looking for all along? I’m confused. Maybe we've taken too big a step. Now the feeling of love is turning into uncertainty. It must have been my fault to takes things too fast. I felt like I rushed to make this decision which now I'm uncertain of.

This is not a good sign for us both. Love isn't meant to be this way. I just don’t know what’s with me recently. I'm beginning to hate talking to you cause I'm often lost at words. I just don't know what to talk about. Do we really not have anything to talk about? Or am I losing interest in the things we used to talk about? Talking to you used to be so relaxing but now its all stress for me. Perhaps it was better off when we were just friends. I want to think no more. The idea of giving up sucks.

I know that I do trust you and I do love you. But, when I start to look at you, my mind becomes uncertain. I used to feel so happy to see you smiling at me but now, I sense fake smiles. Am I losing the ability to make you smile sincerely? I really don’t want to know.

Walking back into my dream, I saw myself hiding at the corner, crying. While you, you were holding onto this very familiar hand which was not mine. Then again on another day, I dreamt and I saw you holding onto my hand. Its not the same hand, the same hand that you held in the dream before. I felt like a replacement, a person to replace something you've lost. I woke up to see myself crying and felt really disturbed.

Is it still a dream this time? It seems so real to me. I could even feel the heartache within. Perhaps its plain jealousy that makes me feel insecure.

I do believe that somethings are better off unknown but I just like to dig my nose into everything. It's just like, pouring salt into my own bleeding wound.
-------------------------------

I hate to see myself being like this.

-Another night of heartaches and tears-

Please make me love you?

Cutest Encounter with Mr. Police

2007-09-11T18:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I drove out to McDonald’s drive-thru at around midnight to get Mc Nuggets after being tempted by bad Kenny. On the way back to home, I was stopped by the 2 policeman and the conversation went like this:-

Cop1: Girl, do you know why I stopped you?
Me: I don’t know
-He smiled-

Cop1: Can I have your driving license and IC?
Me: Sure.
-Turns to the passenger seat to grab my purse-
Me: Here

Cop1: Okay.
-Passes it to cop2 and turn back to me and continued smiling-
Cop1: You were using your hand phone just now.
Me: Huh? I never use my phone.
Cop1: But we both saw you using it.
Me: I’m very sure that I never, but you can always check my phone if you want.
Cop1: Of cause when we were behind you, you didn’t use it. But we’re sure that you were using it before that.
-Walks to the front of my car-
Cop1: So you’re from Ipoh?
Me: Yea.
Cop1: A student?
Me: Yea

Cop1: Alright. We both did saw you using your phone just now.
Me: You can take my phone and check through the call registers and I’m sure that I never use it.
Cop1: It wouldn’t be nice for me to check your phone and we both saw you using it.
Me: If I really did you my phone, I’ll admit and I don’t mind proving my innocence if you wish to check through my phone.
-He continued smiling-
Cop1: I don’t even know how many phones you have, how to check?
Me: I only have one, though I wish to have 2 or even more.
-I smiled back at him-
Me: It’s really okay if you want to check through my call register.
-I turned to the passenger seat to dig for my phone from under the McD’s paperbag-
Me: I don’t even know where my phone is, how am I to use it just now then?
Cop1: There it’s just right beside you.
Me: Under a big pile of bags?
-Cop2 passes my IC and driving license back to me-
Cop1: Okay. Since you say that you were not using your phone, we will let you go this time
Me: I still insist that I never use my phone just now.
Cop2: How?
Cop1: She say she never use it.
Me: Anyway, thanks and have a nice day
-I smiled back at them sweetly as I rolled my window up-

Judge: Defending Counsel, you’ve won your case.
Me: Thanks my Lord

Lovin' You~

2007-09-07T17:55:00.000+08:00

Lovin' You -Minnie Riperton

Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautiful

Makin' love with you is all I want to do

Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true

Everything that I do is out of lovin' you

No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring

Stay with me while we grow old

And we will live each day in springtime

Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful

And every day of my life is filled with lovin' you

Lovin' you I see your soul come shining through

And every time that we ooooh I'm more in love with you

---------------------------

This is for no others but you

-It is really love-

When I love you, and you love me too

The Explaination I Owe

2007-09-07T03:45:00.000+08:00

Many would be wondering what happened to this silly girl again. Guess I’ll just make a short entry about my recent troubles, just for those who care for me. –To those who don’t care or fake care, please just get your sorry ass off my blog-

The series of unfortunate event goes like this, so just picture yourself in this scenario:-

-One of your best friends came up to you and suddenly says that she hates you, accusing you that you snatched her boyfriend when you actually lost contact with the guy for years
-Another friend tells you that your ex is locking himself up in the room and refuses to eat
-Then another friend says that he’s feeling miserable with his current relationship because it’s too similar to how you’ve hurt his feelings in the past
-When your boyfriend says he will give you time to settle your problems, but, he tries to force his way in to intervening everything
-Then, you start worrying bout your own health problem; the stomach cramps that bothers you every night
-Not forgetting those not-so-important people who enjoys backstabbing you and mocking you wherever you go
-Best of all, you have to pretend that there’s nothing wrong, acts tough and pretends to enjoy yourself
-Then again, your love starts giving you a hard time; playing the guilty-mind game to make you feel guilty and give in
-Plus, the amount of workload in school and stress from mum and dad

Anyway, I’m proud to say that I’m still living perfectly, without attempting suicide though I did some silly things:-

*On Monday night

-Cut my index finger in the washroom and used blade to make the wound deeper

*On Tuesday night
-Driving back to Ipoh, at 3am in the morning, and then drive back to KL

*On Wednesday night
-Drinking 6 cans of Heineken at 12am and then come online to talk crap at 2am
-Drinking another 6 cans of Heineken at 4am and forgetting everything about it
-Driving to school 2 hours later under the alcohol influence
-Drinking 3 cups of Double Espresso during the few hours of tutorial in school

12 + 3 (coffee) =

*Serene, The tummy facing up, drunk goldfish*

To those who seriously care for me, I hereby promise that I will try to get over this as soon as possible. Don't worry too much about me cause I believe that I can handle this.

Dear, thanks for stading by my side.

Des Kor, thanks for expressing care and concern.

Kel, thanks for offering a listening ear.

Mon, thanks for giving me time and understanding.

Boyboy, thanks for accompanying me in game.

Abang, thanks for cheering me up in game.

Others, who, in some way made me feel better. Thanks.

-I love you all-

--------------------------------------

Feeling suffocated by the love that comes with the fear
-I, the pathetic kid-
I still do love you

Monday Blues~

2007-09-03T20:56:00.000+08:00

The night before:-

Me: Dear~ Criminal Law lecture’s not on tomorrow

Dear: Oh? So Good
Me: Yea~ Lecturer’s on leave for 1 week

Dear: You can stay at home and rest
Me: Only Constitutional Law lecture from 12-2pm
Me: Super cool~
-Lazy girl hates 8am classes-

This day:-
I left home for school at 10:50am and managed to make get to Starbucks at 11:30am. Grabbed a Double Espresso Frap and headed to the car park. The sight of the pupils waiting for the bus was really amazing.
*knocks Serene’s head*
Serene-Me: September intake for Law and also Psychology, okay?
Me-Serene: Oh yea~
The car park was full, so I drove around, trying to look for a parking space and I had to wait for a few minutes for the car to leave.

Finally, I parked my car and headed to board the bus and just when I tried to squeeze myself onto the bus, bus uncle raised his left hand.
Uncle: Full. Wait for the next bus.
Me: Orhs
-I don’t need much space actually-

After waiting for close to 15 minutes, I finally boarded the school bus, and made my way to the other block. The ground floor was packed with students waiting for the elevator so I decided to run up to the 1st floor to try my luck. When I got to the 1st floor, the place was also packed so I went to floor higher to the 3rd floor to try. Was feeling lucky when I saw that the place was quite empty so I waited for the lift and when it opened, the lift was full. I thought of squeezing in but it was all guys inside. So I just headed to the staircase and ran up the fleet of stairs to the 7th floor.

Him: I'll carry you to class next time
Me: My personal elevator?
Him: Yes madam~
-Loving your sweetness-
I was practically panting when I reached the class and I couldn’t find any seats. Thanks to my cutie classmate who offered a seat beside him and he’s wiling to share the table with me.
Me: Thankiex~

Then, I was feeling thirsty so I looked around for my water bottle, just to find that I left it in the car! Was feeling super hot and thirsty so I just took his bottle and drank the whole bottle.
Me: Thanks again~
-He was staring at me during the whole time-

At around 1pm, Mr. MG gave us a 5 minutes break and I went down to the cafeteria to get a bottle of mineral water. The elevator was again full and this time, I walked up to the 2nd floor and took the lift from there. –slightly better luck than earlier-

I headed to the washroom at 7th floor to freshen up before entering class and the next thing that happened, really made my day. I came out of the washroom and a group of my classmates were chatting and refilling their water bottles. He was facing me when another idiot came and hit him hard on his back. He “practically” spit out the water and poured most of the water in his bottle, on ME.
Classmate 1: OMG
Classmate 2: Sorry sorry sorry
Classmate 3: I didn’t mean it
-Stood there for a moment-
Me: Ahhhhh!
Classmate 3: Rene, I’m really sorry.
Me: Nevermind
-My Galfriend came out and saw me-
Galfriend: What happened?!
Me: Nothing
-She whispered-
Galfriend-Me: Hehe. You never wear bra?
-I turned and looked at her-
Me-Galfriend: White my dear.

We headed back to class and started asking everyone for a jacket for me to change into but my class of 58 doesn’t have even 1 jacket or sweater. The girls were all wearing one piece top today so no chance of getting a cardigan to cover my white, wet top. When I asked them, they all gave the same answer;
Classmates: Afternoon class is not cold ma~
Me:
A classmate suggested to go to the lecturers and only Mr. MG had a spare top with him. So I changed into his over-sized top and headed back to class.

To end that miserable 3 hours, I had to wait under the sun for the bus for close to 15 minutes and the bus was, again, loaded. Had to stand and I looked so clumsy with Mr. MG’s shirt. When I finally got to the car park, I couldn’t remember where I parked my car. And when I finally got into the car and while driving home, I was caught in traffic jam. Everything seems “just-so-perfect” for me today and I only felt better when I came home to talk to dear.
-When I told her I got wet, wearing a white shirt-
Dear: Sexy
Me: *pokes dear*
Me: Naughty you!
Dear: I want to see
-Then I told her about my galfriend-
Dear: Sexy
Me:
-My dear is so cute and she really makes me smile-

*Smiles*
Me-Dear: DeaR MosT~ GMGlacier 2nd
-My Pangya F2 chat macro-
Serene-Me: This will be a day to remember.

Things that happened to me were just physically bad as I didn’t feel emotional at all. But instead, I felt quite cute and funny as I looked back at it. But my friend was having the emotional downturn today. A person who used to be so confident in handling problems showed his other side to me as he told me the story. You said you think it’s impossible for you both but now, you’re getting so emotionally disturbed by her problems. I asked you that few questions not because I want to know the answer nor I want you to think of the answer; cause, deep inside, you already have the answers set. I want to cheer you up but you’re just setting a fence between us. I can’t reach out to you if you’re being like that. All I can do is to hope that you’ll be okay and I do trust that you can handle this.
Me- Him: If you really need me, you’ll know where to find me.

-------------------------------
Do not cry, as I will cry twice as much.
-Sadness envelopes me-
I do feel your pain.

Mixed Emotions >.<

2007-08-26T20:30:00.000+08:00

Thanks to the greatest mum, I managed to find an excuse to not follow them to the trip. I cried over the phone when he called me and finally, I convinced himAnyway, I went out to Sunway Pyramid with a group of friends at around noon and spent a few hours walking around, looking at the cute things.

At around 4pm, I received a call from him.
Him: Where are you now?
Me: Sunway Pyramid?
Him: I’ll come over now.
Me: huh? You never go for the trip?
Him: Nope. I want to give something to you.
Me: Okies.

So, I met up with him and he passed me a big box.

-The Big Gift Box-
Him: This is for you.
Me: Er.. What’s inside?
Him: Just some little things
Me: Orhs
-looks at him with my usual blur expression-
Me: But why are you giving this to me?
Him: It’s not all gifts. There are also some things to return to you.
Me: Okay

-Some of the gifts inside-
I came home at around 6:30pm and came online to talk to dear. I continued chatting with my friends for the next few hours. I told him I received presents from him and he asked me to show him. I was really stupid to have made you feel uneasy by showing the things to you.
*knocks my head*
Serene-Me: You’re so stupid
Me-Serene: I’m sorry.
Me-Serene: Please forgive me for being so silly?

Him: Did you buy anything?
Me: Not much but I received a gift box from him
Him: So good.
Me: Er.. Yea
Him: Is it for your birthday?
Me: No. He said it’s because he made me cry.
Him: Orh. What is it?
Me: I show you ba
Him: Hehe. Okies
-I didn’t know that I will make you feel jealous. Sorry-

I’m really getting stupid. Yesterday, you were so happy when you told me that you bought some gifts for me. My silly thoughts took over me and I started to feel guilty. I know you did all these to make me happy but somehow, I felt that you were comparing yourself with him. I don’t want you to do all these because of the other person. I only want you to love me. You don’t have to be too good to me. Perhaps, you want to treat me well really because you love me. And perhaps, I was really thinking too much.
-Sorry to make you cry again-
Him: I’m good to you because I love you. I cherish you. I want to do all these for you. If I need to choose again, I’ll still choose you.

Dear was right when she said that I am silly. I don’t even know how to protect others’ feelings and I’m claiming to make everyone happy. The more I try to cheer you up, the more I hurt you. I’m really sorry. Please let me learn to make you happy and not make you said. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, but, I promise I’ll try.

--------------------------
Learning to understand you
Trying to be a part of you
-It is love, because, I love you-

Clumsy Klutz~

2007-08-23T13:14:00.001+08:00

Miserable day for silly little me began with the heavy rain in the morning. Was feeling super cold when I took my early shower before heading to school. The traffic was unusually quiet

Anyway, I managed to make my way to class in the drizzling rain and Criminal Law lecture was seriously fun as we only had to look at 5 cases on the definition of ‘duty to care’ by the judges. –Usually, we’ll have 10, if not more- The lecture reminded me of the Law of Torts and Negligence so I actually managed to understand everything Mr. KF said.
*cheers for blur girl*

I seriously needed the caffeine to keep me awake during Constitutional Law lecture. As we were heading back to class, I fell down on that stupid slope at the front the Law School. *labels ‘victim 7’ on Serene* The fall was seriously bad as I managed to bruise my ankle, wrist and elbow. The greatest part of the fall, was, the hole on my knee. It started bleeding really badly and I had to go to the clinic to clean the wounds.

Him: You have to get it cleaned and bandaged.
Me: It’ll be okay. We can just cover it with tissue.
Him: That’s not a good idea. You might get infections.
Me: Infections?
Him: Yea. With yellowish fluid from the wound.
Me:
Him: Yea. I’ll drive you to the clinic.
Me: Orhs
-He was super convincing when he said that-

But`~ with that, I managed to skip class and head for home slightly earlier than usual.

Tuesday, I started tutoring my kids and I was already very tired when I reached their house at 1pm. The tutorial session lasted until close to 6pm and I had to drive to Sunway to meet up with my cousin to get my new credit card. The traffic was seriously heavy and I was caught in it for about 20 minutes, just outside Sunway Pyramid.
On the way back home, I started feeling extreme sleepy and I almost fell asleep in the car. I even had trouble trying to keep my eyes open. I must say, I was seriously lucky to be able to make it back home. Came online the very first instance when I reached home and talked to dear for a while before falling asleep at around 9pm. Woke up in the midnight and stayed awake till the next morning and headed to class straight.

Wednesday was practically the same as my Tuesday. The events were as:-
-driving to school
-caught in traffic jam
-wait for school bus
-get to class
-build sandcastles during lecture
-head for coffee
-suffer more during tutorial
-head to library to search for case
-go to kids’ house for tutorial
-get home
-come online
-sleep
-wake up at 3am
-chat and talk till morning
*Note: This should be the daily routine for silly Serene on the weekdays

As for my feelings now, I seriously don’t feel like going to Langkawi and I’m gonna find excuses. Though everything has been planned, I really don’t feel like going. Please let me stay here?

The promise of holding on to me until we grow old really touched my heart. Tears started forming in my eyes as I thought of you. Will this be a promise that you will keep for just me? Or is this a promise that you make to everybody? Will we really grow old together? Or we will just grow a few days older together? I’m not greedy and I don’t want you to be with me forever. My only wish is to have you loving me, not forever, but as long as you think is possible.

--------------------
I hate being negative but I just can’t stay positive
You said, " Since I said I'll hold you, did I ever say I'm going to let go?"

-I trust you-
Please do say it’s true.

New Found Love~

2007-08-19T17:17:00.000+08:00

hehe~ Silly Serene went out with some kids today and took them out to...

*drum roll*

ta`dah~

Popular Bookstore

-to buy revision books-

Me: Let's go shopping today~

Kid1: Yay~!

Kid2: Where are we going?

Me: Some very fun place

Kid1: Whee~ Times Square?

Kid2: Sunway?

Me: You'll know later.

Kid3: I just want lollipop -pulls my sleeve-

Me: Sure~

So, after having lunch in Secret Recipe, we headed straight to the bookstore and the kids went -duh-. Anyway, I spent around 1 and a half hour browsing through the book racks to look for revision books.
It's been 4 years since I'm in secondary 3 and I seriously forgot everything about the syllabus and subjects. Back then, I remember learning science in Malay and when my niece told me they're doing it in English, I turned speechless. I was not a hardworking student myself, and now, I have to be 3 kids' tutor.

Serene: Kanasai`~ (quote:Kenny)

Guess I'll have to learn along with the kids. Spending RM300 on books is seriously NOT funny and I do want them to score well in their coming exams.

Serene-Me: Jia you~

In order to make myself feel better and to cheer myself up, I bought a few little things while looking for little gifts for them. -excuses-

Item 01: Ginger Breadman Earrings

Item 02: Mario Mushroom Keychain

I'm really sorry for being selfish all these while. I thought that I'm doing the right thing which I think is best for you. But I forgot the most important factor. I forgot to ask you if it is also what you want. Now I've learned. Please help Serene while she learns more?

------------------------

Forgive my mistakes, I'm still learning.

-Love is not about being hero, Love is about Love.-

Learning to love you

Loves My Dear~

2007-08-18T19:28:00.000+08:00

The past week was really hectic as I got really sick. It all started on Sunday when I was watching The Super Trio Continues on http://www.crunchyroll.com/. I was laughing at the people in the game and I got a cramp in my stomach. The feeling was terrible as I continued to laugh and ended up in tears. When I told dear, I could sense that she’s worried so I had to stop laughing.
Me-Dear: Sorry dear. I’ll take care of myself.

The next morning in school, I began to feel feverish and sickly. The 2 hours of Criminal Law was really terrible as I could hardly concentrate at all. My whole group of friends went for break together at the main campus and I managed to get myself a cup of Espresso Frappucino from Starbucks. I started to feel better for a while.

Him: Rene, are you feeling okay?
Me: I think so?
Him: You look very pale
-He reached his hand to my forehead-
Him: You’re having fever my dear.
Me: It’s okay
Him: Throw that away, I’ll get you a hot cappuccino.
Me: Do I really have to?
-He smiled at me as he took the coffee from me-
Me:

The next few days of school were just as bad as my fever didn’t get any better at all. The hours of lecture almost sent me a step closer to hell
–I doubt that I’ll go to heaven anyway- Then on Wednesday morning, I rushed to Starbucks and got myself a cup of coffee at 8am and I was holding onto it. My friend called me from behind and I dropped it as I was turning around. It just slipped out of my grasp.

Me: -speechless-
Him: I’m sorry. Are you okay?
Me: I think so
-I bend down to pick it up-
Guard: Girl. It’s okay. Leave it there.
Him: Come on, let’s go to class, okay?
Me: My coffee wors
Him: I’ll get you another one later
Me: orhs

We made it to Criminal Law tutorial at 8:30am and the room was super cold. I was already wearing jacket but I still shivered in that room. He took off his sweater and placed it over me with a smile and I was touched at the moment. I just smiled at him with teary eyes and he smiled back at me.

Me: You’re feeling cold also.
Him: It’s okay
Me: Do you want to take this back?
Him: You’re having fever, girl. I’m doing fine.
-He smiled again-
Me: Thanks a lot.
-Glad to have you here by my side at such times-

The next few days of the week went on just the same. I’m either online chatting or playing games or maybe out with my silly friend who got ditched by his girl. He really made me think a lot when he started crying while eating ice-cream with me on Friday.

Me: Are you okay?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Don’t cry. It’s over now.
Him: I don’t want to cry also but I just can’t control.
Me: This chocolate is for you. If you ever feel like crying, just take one, okay?
Him: Orhs.

I really didn’t expect him to cry so much. I remember him telling me that he doesn’t love her that much. Why are you crying so much then? Love is just so complicated.
Me-Him: Take care o~ Serene will always be there to help you through.

As for Serene herself, I’m facing with my own relationship problems also but, I’ve learned to take things easily. I still cry as much as I used to, but now, I’ve learned to smile after crying. It’s just like the rainbow after the rain. Thanks to dear, I know I’m never crying alone. But yet again, I don't want you to cry. I love the smiling dear much more~ I seriously love this girl~
Me-Dear: Please smile when I’m smiling too, okay?

I’ve taken many wrong turns while searching for love. Now that I’m turning into the junction where you stand, please do tell me that I’m on the right path. I’m too tired to continue searching further.

----------------------
Keep me beside you and take me along on your journey.
-The path of love, is never alone-
I seriously do love you

My funny doggy~

2007-08-11T02:32:00.000+08:00

Something cute about my doggy

My doggy knows everything, but when I say "down", only his ears will go down.

--------------------------

It is cute because I'm cute~

boredom~

2007-08-11T02:22:00.000+08:00

On Monday, I woke up in the morning to prepare for school and just after my shower, I received a sms from my class rep saying that there will be no classes for the day as both our lecturers are busy. I got back to sleep after that and spent most of the day online and watching dramas. Got a little busy in the day as I had to read through the case for the legal skills assignment. It was quite a long case on forgeries and disclosure of private information. One of the presiding judges was my “favourite” Lord Denning MR, a judge known for his general rules and long-winding judgment. The 2 other judges were better as they did not say much and just agreed to whatever Denning said. –imagine 13pages of judgment by Denning- Anyway, I managed to finish the summary of that case in just 3 hours. –my friend spent 5hours-

I didn’t sleep at all that night. Went to school on Tuesday and rushed to Starbucks. I was seriously disappointed to find that it’s not opened yet at 7:30am. I went to class sadly and mumbled to myself. I rushed down to Fig Tree during the lecture break and got a cup of Double Espresso. The next 3 hours of lecture were better as I had the coffee with me.

Went to break with my classmates at 12 and I got another cup of Extreme Buzz with extra Espresso shots and on the way back to class, I met the other group of classmate. So as usual, they started talking about my coffee addiction.
Classmate 1: This zombie never sleep at all last night. –pointing at me-
Classmate 2: Are you serious that you didn’t sleep? At all? –staring at me-
Serene: Uh… Yea?
Classmate 2: You don’t look sleepy at all.. And your eyes are so big..
Classmate 2: Just like those goldfish.. Now you’re telling me that you never sleep.. omg
Classmate 3: Snatch her coffee and you’ll see her turn into a blindfish
-Serene: Guys, that’s not funny-
Some of them even said that they should start blogging about me and coffee.

The rest of the week was spent online and sleeping. Nothing much happened other than on Thursday, again, I stayed up till morning,
hoping to get to school straight. I received another sms saying that we’ll not be having any classes so I headed back to bed again. The days were really boring as I had nothing much to do –though the homework and reading materials are piling up- Other than that, most of my time was spent chatting and watching dramas.

Today, doggy was really naughty and my adaptor was sacrificed. He managed to bite the wire into 2, without getting electricity shocks. I got so angry and frustrated that I locked doggy in the toilet for one hour. I managed to fix the wire back together but it’s like a little weird. Guess I’ll have to get a new adaptor tomorrow then. Anyway, I bought a very nice drink today. It cost RM19.90 –more expensive than my coffee- but it was quite worthy as it’s a little alcoholic.

I’m beginning to feel very weird. As I try to make someone happy, somehow, or something, will in turn make the person sad. I tried so hard to make you smile, and then to find myself bringing tears to you. Did I really lose the ability of making others happy? Or is it that all these while, I’ve never had it at all? I’m really confused. I no longer see love as hope. It now signifies only troubles to me.

--------------------------------
Learning to live my life alone
Will things be better with love?
-or without love-

pictures~

2007-08-04T19:30:00.000+08:00

Let's take a look at the things I have in my car

My Cute Little Orang Utan from San Francisco Cafe

My Lovely Wombat from Melbourne

My very first Law Dictionary

My super thick textbooks

Something I hide

Other stupid things I have

The stupid keyboard that cost RM230

-It's not in the car now-

Coffee * Money~

2007-08-04T19:22:00.000+08:00

Wednesday came by and cousin said she'll pass my laptop to her friend to send it back to the service centre. She came into my room and took my love away but she did manage to find me a substitute, which was, of course, her own laptop. Struggled a while trying to use it and I got addicted to this little game, Dinomite. It's kind of a pretty easy to handle game and it's really fun. Then, at around 9pm at night, she came to knock on my door and I had to give her laptop back to her. But, she somehow forgot to take my laptop out, so I get to use my own laptop again. I almost burst into tears of happiness at that very moment.

Awhile later, Kenny came to talk to me on MSN and we started playing with the voice call thing. He did most of the talking as I typed to reply.
Me: Hello?
Him: Wa… So soft..
Me: -mute microphone-

So then I decided to use typing to reply instead and we played pangya for a while. Then, I asked dear Kim to download Skype so we can use conference call. We had fun talking together in Skype and Kenny sang a few songs too. They were both so cute and lovely when they both laughed at my voice.
Me: I will never use those single and repeating vocabularies anymore.
Him: Why?
Me: You all keep laughing when I say those words.
-I think I sounded silly but he says its cute-

I stayed up till late in the morning and didn’t really get to sleep at all. Only managed to nap for around an hour and headed for tutorials. The first great news was that the tutorial for Criminal Law was to be cancelled as Mr. KF had to attend court sessions. This, at the same time, also meant that the only fun subject of the day is cancelled. Anyway, I started my first tutorial with a cup of iced Double Espresso and things went on quite well in school. Went to San Francisco during break and my classmatey bought me a cute little Orang Utan.
Me-Him: Thankews for being so sweet.

Came home around 3pm and cousin brother asked me to follow him to Low Yat Plaza to repair his laptop. So I took mine along and fixed the keyboard. It was actually kind of expensive at the price of RM230, but the guys were really efficient. They got it fixed in just 20 minutes. -Those idiots in Toshiba Service Centre said it will take at least a week-

Reached home at around 6pm in the evening and came online for a while. My rib started aching again and I’m feeling feverish at the same time. I guess it must have been the cup of Espresso Chip from Coffee Beans that I had while waiting for cousin.-3 cups of strong coffee in a day can be quite bad- I went to bed quite early after taking some medicine. Woke up from nap around 2 hours later and the pain was getting unbearable so I continued resting until around 2am. I came online to talk to dear for a while before I headed back to bed again.

Friday was a lot better though I didn’t do much. All I did was chatting and watching anime. Lucky Star was super cute. The characters just kept talking and talking and their topics can be very random. I went on with the anime until around 11pm and switched to watching Hong Kong dramas again. This time, I started crying at the storylines and it was indeed very touching.

Me: Dear.. I stupid de..
She: You’re not stupid
Me: I’m crying for nothing
She: You’re just emotional.
-I still like to call myself and silly and stupid; sounds cuter in comparison to being emotional-

I stayed up the whole night until 7am when I drove grandma out to the market to buy some vegetables and food. Came home at around 9am and headed straight to dreamland. Woke up at around 11am and came online to chat again. –That’s the only thing I do when I’m bored-

Dear was feeling horrible today and she told me that she cried. I felt the pain too when I realized that she was feeling very sad. I wanted to cheer her up so much, but yet, I didn’t know what to do. How ironic, the more I want to help, the more helpless I feel. I can only hope for her to feel better.

-------------------------
-Angel Serene will be looking over you-
I want you to be happy because it will also be my happiness.
We share

Monday and Tuesday~

2007-07-31T21:41:00.000+08:00

Monday went by and I was really unlucky. To begin with, my car was running out of petrol so I had to go to the petrol station to pump petrol, early in the morning. When I’m done with petrol, I’m just in time to join in the crowd for the usual traffic jam.
*waves goodbye to RM70 and waves hello to traffic jam*

I didn’t miss the bus this time when I reach school. Rushed down the car after parking and I managed to get a sit on the bus, right beside my classmate. I talked to her for a while, while waiting for the others to board the bus. As we started to move to Law School, it started drizzling a little. I took the umbrella that my maid gave to me the other day and prepared to open it as the rain turned heavy. I had to move down the bus to open the umbrella. So I was walking in the drizzle while figuring how to open the umbrella. I gave up after a few attempts and I cut my finger while doing so.
*poor finger on right hand*

When I reached the class, I’m practically half wet and I looked like a pontianak –a touch of Malaysia- with my wet hair. My classmates who were already sitting in the class nicely turned to stare at me.
Classmate1: You’re so wet.
Me: -dots-
Classmate2: It’s raining outside already?
Me: -dots-
Classmate3: You’re just in time to catch the rain. When I came in, it wasn’t raining yet.
Me: -dots- (while shivering)

So I just sat down beside my friend and I started playing with the umbrella. There’s no problem with it and I should be able to open it so I just kept trying. I finally managed to get it open When I tried to close it back, I cut my finger again.
*saying poor little finger*
-it’s the same finger again-

The next 2 hours was lecture for Criminal Law and we need to find a few more cases for this week’s tutorial. The lecture was kind of fun with Mr. KF trying to give more illustration to the cases which we’re discussing. And the fun part was when his laptop went out of battery and we get to dismiss earlier.
*muacks cute laptop*
Serene- Mr. KF’s laptop: love you wors~

We went back to the main block for lunch and it was still drizzling at that time. We went in 3 big separate groups, to three different places for lunch. KFC, Rice Bowl Restaurant and Secret Recipe. I chose Secret Recipe of coz. The coffee there is more drinkable. Though, in the end, I went to Starbucks again, but that’s not the main story. Had half a Kid’s burger from my friend and I just love those Alphabet Fries. It’s just so cute~
Serene-Me: You chose Secret Recipe for?
Me-Serene: Nice food?
Serene-Me: Did you even eat?
Me-Serene: -speechless-

-The fact that it’s the nearest to Starbucks did tempt me a lot-

Went back to class for Constitutional & Administrative Law lecture and Mr. MG, as usual, did entertain us a lot when he called them as British jokers again. He was so cute himself that every little action of his really makes me laugh. I did try to be serious but his jokes dominated my brain in that 2 hours. He waved his hand while he explained about the Parliament and his palms were actually blue. -He just don’t like to use the whiteboard eraser-

I came home and came online to chat with a few friends and nothing much happened. My rib started aching again and I went to bed early yesterday. I was feeling really sick yesterday and didn’t get much sleep as I keep waking up in pain.

Class was deadly boring today as we have to go through 4 straight hours of lectures on 2 boring subjects which are, Law of Contract and Legal Methods & System. Contracts was still about offer and acceptance, and now we’re learning consideration as well. It’s practically like, you have a general rule and then, you have a few exceptions.
Me: What’s the point of having the general rule then?
Serene: It’s like that 1~ (quoted: Mr. MG)

I reached home and came online at around 1pm. My rib was aching again so I took medicine and talked to dear for a while.30 minutes later, I started to feel drowsy. I realized that I actually took sleeping pills instead of painkillers. So I went off to bed and slept till around 6pm in the evening. The rib was still aching, but, who cares anyway. Let it ache as much as it wants~

Anyway, I managed to upload some new emoticons for use in bloggie and also my chatbox. You’ll see them in my blog entries and you can actually use them in my chatbox. You’ll definitely see more of them in my coming blog entries.

I’m feeling so strange. My presence is just so Important, but yet so Insignificant. I’m really feeling that way if you ask me. Am I still your first priority? Or am I a substitute now? A reserve person in case you needed someone? I really don’t know.

---------------------------------
Love those little monkeys~
-Uncertainty Kills-
‘literally’

Loves NorwegianRecycling~

2007-07-29T16:26:00.000+08:00

I think I’m getting really lazy recently. Quite a lot happened to me in the past week, but yet, I didn’t bother to update my blog based on the most ‘fundamental’ reason, which is, pure laziness.

Came back to KL on Sunday around 5pm and the traffic was really bad as it was raining rather heavily throughout the whole journey. Got caught in traffic at quite a few areas along the highway and I took close to 3 whole hours to reach KL. When I reached home with my dinner, it was already 9pm. The rest of the night was seriously bored as I got into weird conversations with him. He claims that I make him feel blur and at the same time, I felt the same way. I’m just as blur as he was.

*knocks my head*
Serene-Me: Wake up~ wake up~!
Me-Serene: I’m trying to
Monday came by and I spent the day in school walking around like a zombie as I stared into the air.
My classmates got bored of me as I never reply to their conversations at all. We had 2 hours break after Criminal Law class from 10am and we went back to the main block to have our brunch. Sat at the restaurant opposite Starbucks and I can’t help but to be tempted and I went in to get a cup of Espresso Frappucino with extra espresso shots. My mood got better with the cup of coffee and I started to join in their conversations. He came to sit beside me and smiled at me.

Him: Glad that you’re feeling better now.
Me: huh?
Him: You looked so lost this morning.
Me: Orhs

Before heading back to the library to meet up with the other group member, he asked me to accompany him to Starbucks and he got me a Double Espresso. He smiled at me again and I started blushing.
Serene-Me: A guy who gets you Double Espresso can really make you smile?
Me-Serene: Yups~

Came home to look for all the Norwegian Recycling’s songsand managed to get 10 songs. I’m getting so addicted to his song that I started playing it all day. I even listened to it in class on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. -still listening to that tune now- Not forgetting that he commented on my character when I told him about something that my coursematey said.

Me: My classmate was so funny today.
Me: He suddenly turned and looked at me in a very serious way.
Me: He said ‘Have you ever thought. If we’re really together, how much difference would there be compared to now?’
Me: So I just stared at him blankly and then he said ‘ I’m gonna say this to my girlfriend.. practicing now.’
Me: Then the rest of us dots him
Me: Then the other guy said ‘You’re lucky that you said this to her cause her boyfriend is not here. If not, you’ll be dead gone.’
Him: Serene got boyfriend ler!
Me: I told them I’m single and available. They just think I’m not.
Him: They know your character
Him: Not single but available always~
*dots him for real*

My Monday was practically that boring as I keep dozing off into my own world even when I’m with my friends. Perhaps I need to get something that can keep me awake. Even the Double Espresso didn’t work. Anyway, I managed to complete my legal skills essay on Monday night with someone’s help.

The next few days of the week was just as bored. Other than having Mr. Mg being funny with his weird theories of British jokers and Malaysian Idiots who sits high up, the other lectures were just as bored with more and more research to do. I seriously enjoyed tutorial as Miss. J talked about the issues of the whole world. She seriously got us into the thinking mode, though, some of my classmates started dozing off after the first 30minutes.
Me-Miss. J: You made me think. For a moment, I felt so big.

---------------------------

In need of more caffeine
-perhaps, triple espresso?-
Or more

Weird Feelings Within Me~

2007-07-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

Boredom is really killing me. Despite having tonnes of cases to read for Criminal Law, I still find myself having lots of time to think of stupid things. Looking at the facts of the case of manslaughter in R v White, I find myself thinking of other things. I can't concentrate on the case at all. Things that played in my mind were all of you and me. Though in some scenes, where I knew it was just my imaginations, I find myself feeling the pain within.

Thursday came by and I was still feeling the same way. Was in school for tutorial from 8am to 3pm and I practically dreamt my way thru the 4 tutorials. At times, when the lecturers called my name, I just stared at them blankly. Some of my coursemates even thought that I'm feeling sick or so.

Him : Are you alright?
Me : Yea.
Him : You're not feeling well?
Me : Not really.Him : I guess you need your coffee, right?

Me : Maybe?
And he smiled at me.

-I just don't feel like myself-

My cute cute classmatey offered to accompany me down to the other building to get coffee during lunch break. While walking there, he asked me some questions and told some jokes. Guess I must be still day-dreaming, or I just didn't give him the right response and he suddenly turned quiet. He was being really sweet as he held my hand when we were crossing the road. He even offered to pay for the drink which cost RM16.90. The cup of coffee was extra strong today as I added espresso but it just didn't help at all. I felt just as blur during the next 3 hours of tutorial.

I reached home at around 4pm and took a cold cold shower. Was feeling kinda sick and feverish at that time so I practically went to get medicine and sleepings. Slept from 5pm to around 9pm. Missed dinner and I felt hungry. I wanted to go out to get food but I'm just feeling so lazy at that time.

My emoticons took over me and I went out at around 3am. Was feeling very confused at that time and I just drove around, turning into every junction and following every road sign I see. Somehow, I found myself heading towards Ipoh direction and I just drove on. When I finally felt tired of driving, I already reached Tanjung Malim. I wanted to go back to Ipoh but I left doggy in KL. So, I just turned back and headed back to KL.

It was almost morning when I reached home. Was feeling really tired and I just took some sleeping pills and then headed to bed. Woke up around noon and my mood was slightly better. Came online for a while and my mood went on the downturn again. Felt so much like taking a break from everything,so I took doggy along and went to drive around, thinking of going back to Ipoh. I didn't drive back to Ipoh right away, but instead, I drove around to Kajang. Was thinking of eating satay but I didn't get to buy any in the end.

Finally, when I decided to head back to Ipoh, it's already close to 8pm. Petrol tank was already close to empty at that time so I just went to pump petrol and bought 2 cans of Heineken. For the 1st time, I'm drinking while driving. I'm lucky that the alcohol didn't kick in and I managed to reach home safely. If only that I did get drowsy or drunk, I wouldn't be here now.

Came online to talk to my pretty dear, KiM for a while and listened to some songs. Thanks to her, I felt better.

Me - dear : Love you wors~

----------------------------------

Things that played in my mind were all of you and me.
Perhaps, I needed attention.
-your attention-

Tiring Wednesday~

2007-07-19T01:27:00.000+08:00

A list of things that happened to poor me today:~

-went to bed at 3am
-woke up at 5am
-stared at the ceiling for an hour or so
-went back to sleep at 6:30am
-woke up at 8:15am
-took a cold cold shower (heater not working)
-rushed out
-caught in traffic jam
-cursed the traffic lights
-reached school
-parked car farfar away
-chased school bus
-had to stand on bus (no seats)
-went to class with messy hair
-sat in front with group members
-did debate presentation
-criticised other debators

-bought a cup of iced coffee during lunch(tasted like water, looked like herbal tea)
-went to meet friends sadly
-classmatey took me to another building (thanks)
-bought San Francisco
-better coffee, better price paid (2x that of the previous cup)
-went back for tutorial
-listened to lecture for 30 minutes
-wrote a 1000 word essay
-waited for photostating until 3:45pm
-had to sort out the sets of notes on my own (auntie too busy)
-rushed down just in time to see the bus leaving
-waited for the other bus
-started raining (continued waiting)
-boarded the very full bus
-got back to carpark
-couldn't find my own car
-got blur while reading the
-laughed at the judge's ratio
-watched horror movie for 20minutes
-freaked out and stopped watching
-talked to him on phone
-had a heated debate
-I won

Tuesday~ Lovely and cute day

2007-07-19T01:03:00.001+08:00

I'm practically feeling lazy when I'm typing this, so I decided to post a more Visual entry.

Cute little cow`s that cousin bought for me

Cute little octopus that cousin bought for me also~

Lazy blogger~

2007-07-17T01:18:00.000+08:00

Another schooling week had past and nothing much happened to poor little me. The life activities curve was relatively flat and things got a little boring,with not much happenings around and with those 2-hours-per-subject lecture going on in school.

I'll just highlight a few funny things that happened in the past week. One day when I came home, a few man were visiting my neighbour and I over heard their conversation which was seriously funny.

Neighbour: Hey, so nice of you guys to come and visit me.
Man1: Yea, came to look at your recent toys.
Man2: Heard that you bought some new toys.
Neighbour: Yups, bought this super cute one.
-their toys refers to pets and animals-
Neighbour: Take a look at my prize-winning cock.

My neighbour who is kind of a freako, has many pets at his home. So the truly-malaysian-me decided to climb up the wall to peep.
Man1: huh?
Neighbour: Here, let me show u my prize-winning cock.
-every other man stares at his pant's zipper-

The other funny thing that happened was on Thursday when our class had an ice-breaking session on the second week of our programme. We played a few games together in order to get to know each other better. Our lecturers did join in our games and Mr.MG was seriously funny when he was trying to give us hints for guessing the movie title. He stood there with his right hand in the air, trying to show us the size of the bean. We were scratching our head trying to figure out what he's trying to do.

Classmatey1: Tiny?
Classmatey2: Small?
Classmatey3: Little?
Classmatey4: Fingers?
Organiser : Time's up~
Mr.MG: It's Mr.Bean.
Me: Sir. You were showing fingers.
Classmatey5: Yea.. we thought it's something to do with tiny or small.
Mr.MG: I told you all I'm not good at acting.
-we didn't expect it to be this bad-

The next funny thing was, when 1 of my classmates were trying to give us hint on a song tittle. He stood up in the middle and placed his hands on his butt. So we were scratching our head trying to think of a title of a song which is related to ass and butt. And guess what? The answer was Hips Don't Lie.

Classmatey1: You were touching your butt lar man.
Classmatey2: We were expecting Shakira moves.
Miss.J: Yea. You guys don't have a life is it? At least shake abit.
Classmatey3: We'll be glad if Miss.J show us.
Miss.J: Wait till orientation dinner
-everyone claps-
So now then I realise that some people don't know how to differentiate butts with hips.

Besides those happy and funny moments, something sad happened too. Smart little Serene was walking around and when I was turning around the corner, I knocked the edge of the table and ta dah~
a part of the nail came off.

Serene: Very pain wors
Me: It's bleeding
Serene: Yea.Abit numb
Me: Maybe I can peel it off.
Serene: Dots you. It's already bleeding and you still want to peel.
Me: I like blood.

The rest of the week was boring and nothing major happened. But on Friday night, smart Serene downloaded something and my computer crashed. So, I went out to my cousin's place in Sunway at around 11pm to get help. Everything is gone and I have to get those emoticons and pictures back.
-Just done with the pangya emoticons for the blog entries-

When you told me those things, I thought things would've changed for the better and the knot in my heart were slightly loosen. But at times, I really think that I'm just putting myself into this dream that I've created. Maybe I just don't trust you enough? Or is it that you don't make me trust you at all? I'm used to this feelings within me, but I just don't like it.

-----------------------------------------

Love, Hope and Trust
-these are what I have in you-
Please don't let it down the drain.

Lols~

2007-07-10T17:32:00.000+08:00

Its been a week since my last update and time really do fly when you're enjoying things. Though I do admit that a certain part of me is still wandering around in the emotional world, I can say that things had changed for the better.

Guess I'll leave the not-so-important things aside and focus more on the happenings in the past week. I went back to Ipoh on Thursday night together with my cousin and to see that mum cut her hair short. And I do mean real short. I was a little surprised to see her new hairstyle and when she asked for my opinion, I just turned around and giggled.

Mum : How do I look?
Me : hehe.. Nice nice
-turn to dad and giggle-

Then on Friday, I was forced to go work again. Mum and dad just like to find ways to abuse my weekends and holidays. Must I really work everyday when I'm in Ipoh? Having not-so-much plans doesn't mean I have nothing to do at all and I did promise my juniors to be back in our school camp. So instead of having fun in school, feeding mosquitoes and running around; I spent half of my friday at work.

On saturday, I slept till quite late in the afternoon as I've been abusing sleepings pills in the past few days. I went out to uncle's shop to say hi to him and took a few packets of coffee. Then I headed straight to school to look for my friends and juniors. The usual tradition of our training camp is to have inspection everyday. And, like always, this juniors get to fall ill right before inspection and they can spend their time in HQ. For some smart juniors, they'll say that their having cramps and so on while the not-so-smart-ones will pretend to faint. We as their seniors and also first aiders of the camp will get busy massaging legs and arms at this time. But something special happened this year and made us laugh really loudly.

Back in our days when we were still juniors, we'll struggle to go through the 3 days and try our best to perform in front of our seniors and leaders. Even so when we fall ill, we'll never dare to call our parents or complain. I remember fainting twice on the second day of camp when I was in Secondary 1 and when my senior asked if I want to call my dad, I shaked my head and cried. I just don't wan to leave camp. But today, as my juniors are definitely more pampered, they cried so loudly when they called their parents.

Me : Girl, are you feeling alright?
She : My leg cramp -while crying-
Me : I'll massage for you now. Just try to relax.
She : Can I call my dad?
Me : Alright
-she calls her dad-
She : Daddy -crying out loud-
My friend - Me : WTF
Me - My friend : dots her

Then when their parents came, the girl said she wants to go home as she's asthmatic and the conversation was indeed funny. Her mum was so cool.

She : Mum, I want to go home. I can't breath properly.
Mum : Nevermind, just use this inhaler.
-mum turns to look at us-
Mum : Can I bring her home to rest for a while?
Me : Sure. Since she's not feeling well, it's better for her to go home now.
Mum : I'll bring her back later around the evening for the campfire night.
Me : That's good.
She : Mum, I don't want to come back here.
Mum : No, I'll just bring you home to rest for a while. I'll drop you back here later.
She : But I don't feel like coming back.
Mum : No, you'll come back in the evening.
-mum turns to look at us again-
Mum : I'll bring her back here at 7pm and pick her up at 1am, is that okay?
-grins-
Us : Sure
- I remember my mum dragging me home on the second day of camp when I fell down-

Later at night, we were busy building the campfire and I injured my middle finger on my left hand. Just when we're almost ready to light the fire, the juniors came to us and said they can't find the kerosin.

Sec.3 junior : Mdm Serene, we can't find the kerosin.
Me : I thought the girls were supposed to bring 1 bottle for each patrol?
Sec.3 junior : That's what we told them and they said they brought it.
My friend : Nevermind, ask them to try to look for it now.
-after 30 minutes-
Sec.3 junior : Can't find any.
Me : Let's try our luck and go to the sundry shop nearby? Perhaps it's not closed yet.

So, we went out to look for sundry shops and petrol stations and we finally gave up after trying more than 10 shops. We turned into the petrol station and decided to get petrol instead. Then I saw my friends coming with a slim and tall bottle which looked really familiar. And try to guess what they bought instead of petrol?

Me : Are you sure about this?
Her : Yes. It's highly flammable.
Me : No regrets?
Her : Definitely.

And we headed back to school with that weird thingy. The juniors must have laughed their heads off when they saw use using that to light the fire.

And.. Yups~ We bought shieldtox.

I left for home after the heart-to-heart session as the juniors started crying when we pointed out their mistakes during the day. Some were just emotionless as they're already in the half-asleep mode. But overall, the day was fun for me.

Me : I thought your leaders reminded you all to bring the kerosin?
Junior : Yes. I did bring.
Me : Then where is it?
Junior : It's in a pink plastic bag.
Friend : Then why didn't you take it out just now?
Junior : I can't find it.
Me : You brought kerosin and you can't find it?
Junior : I placed it in the kitchen.
Me : You placed kerosin in the kitchen? the place where you keep the mineral water?
Junior : Under the table.
Friend : And your kerosin is in..? a plastic water bottle?
Junior : Yes.
- seriously dots her-

I talked to you again at night, and things that you say to me were so different from what you told me the day before. You're constantly changing your mind everyday and your decisions can be in total contradiction. What are you really thinking? What do you really want? I'm so tired of guessing.

----------------------------------------

Bringing myself back into confusion.

-I belong to this place-
Perhaps I'll be happily confused this time,
knowing that you're there to support me if I fall.

3rd July

2007-07-04T18:40:00.000+08:00

The second day of school was slightly better. I was almost late for school as I took a wrong turn at the wrong junction and I ended up opposite the school. This is the case where it's just so close, but yet so far.
*looks at the building, looks at the road divider, can't go over*

I rushed to the carpark to board the school bus and there he was standing beside the door, waving for me. I as like so surprised, and I looked at my watch. It's already 5 minutes past 8, meaning, he's also late. So I just rushed to the bus and found a seat with him.

Me : How come you're late also?
Him : Waiting for you.
Me : But it's already 5 minutes past 8.
Him : I know. Don't want you to be late for class alone on the 1st day.
Me : Thanks
-he was like the sweetest thing to me at that moment-
Me - Him : Thanks alot for all the things you did for me.

Then we went to class and sat there for the next few hours listening to the lecturers talking bout law. Most of the things that the lecturers said were about thethings that I learnt last year in college but I just can't seem to remember anything.

I met a few of my ex-classmates around campus and they were teasing me saying that they're my seniors.. It's just that you joined the January intake doesn't mean that I became your little junior And that also doesn't mean that you all can mess my hair.

Came home at around evening and went to lala land until around 8:45pm. Took a quick shower and came online to talk to some friends. Was still feeling ache all over my body and feeling very lazy. But when the night comes, I just can't get to fall asleep again. Is this amnesia?
Serene - Me : Yes, it is.

He said he wants to trust me but I think that the trust doesn't have to be there at all. It makes no difference even if it's not there. He said he's still holding on to me and he has been doing so since the day he love me. But now that the love is no longer there, I'll rather he choose to let go.

------------------------------------------

If you don't love just only me, I rather you don't love me at all
-Maybe it's better off without the 'trust'-

2nd July - Orientation day

2007-07-04T02:16:00.000+08:00

I went to school for registration and orientation today. I was so blur and I wasted 1 hour waiting for my friend who came to guide me. I stood outside the shop while waiting and those people looked at me as though I'm from the other world.

Finally my friend arrived after 30minutes and I went to register with her. We walked around for a while and we took the school bus. That was so cute cause I almost lost balance and feel down. Thanks to my friend who held my hand, I didn't fall like a clumsy potato.
Me - Lynn : Thanks for spending your time with me.

Then, we went to the other block for orientation and I just went into the lecture theater feeling so blur. Someone touched my shoulders and I turned around to find him smiling at me. I was so surprised to see him at that time and tears start forming in my eyes.

Me : How come you're here?
Him : To accompany you
Me : Really?
-he touched my ears-
Him : Yes, silly girl.
Me : You're here for?
Him : I registered for this programme. So I'm here today.
Me : You never tell me at all.
-hugs me-
Me : -touched-
Him : It's a surprise for you.

I'm really glad that you came to accompany me. Was feeling very surprised. Thanks alot. Really glad that you did this for me.

I went off early after that as the rest of the day is only about talks and some other not-so-important-things. Went to Starbucks for a cup of coffee with them and talked for quite a while before cousin came to fetch me home.

When I reached home, I was feeling very tired and my bones were aching. Went to nap for a while and spent the rest of the day rolling on the bed, feeling tired. Then later at night, I can't get to sleep again and took a few other pills to get myself to sleep.
*dots me*

The night before, I wasn't feeling nervous about my first day in school. It's just the weird thoughts I have that makes me feel confused. So I just rolled on the bed till around 4:30am and finally decided to take sleeping pills. That was another stupid decision made as I only manage to fall asleep at 5:15am. Then I had to wake up at 7am. This only made me feel even more tired when I came home after school.

I'm really glad that I'm getting back in to my studying life as this helped me alot in my mood. Perhaps I'll start to feel less depressed. Glad that I'm turning into the better path of life already. Thanks to all who came by and gave me support.

------------------------------

Smiling the smile that I want.
Sometimes, it is not what we think that limits us from being what we want to be.

It is others who contains us by telling us what we cannot be. -quoted-

Confession - serene's version

2007-07-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

My days are getting worse. In the way that my I no longer have common sense. I just don't use my brain to think when I do things. Perhaps its because I'm using cow sense instead.

Went out to getting something done in the afternoon. First, I headed to school to complete the registration and to settle some payment and then I headed to Sunway Piramid to have lunch. When I was walking around, I met a few of my friends and sat down to have lunch with them.

Him : How have you been lately?
She : You seems so emo.
He : Ya. What's happening?
Me : I don't know. I'm just confused.
-stared at the empty chair next to me-
Me : Will you come over and sit next to me?
Him : Okays
-turned around to look at him-
Me : Can you hug me?
Him : Er.. Of course.
-hugs him-
Me : How does it feel when you're hugging me?
Him : Er..
Me : Nevermind, I'm just being emo.

I must have acted really weird at that time. The three of them just kept quiet throughout the meal and as for my poor victim, he didn't dare to let go. As we stood up and left, she gave me a tight hug and a kiss on my cheek. That's really sweet, girl.
Me - Them : Sorry for being weird today. You guys are just so great.

As I felt his arms around me, you came into my mind. The things that you said to me kept repeating in my ears. Just one hug? Just to know the feelings? And I went back into this confusion

Went to the airport later in the evening to pick up some air tickets. As I was waiting in line, I saw this very familiar person who reminded me of you. Then the scenes in my broken dream came into my mind again. I saw you. You were walking towards me, and you were holding her hand in yours. I saw that smile on your face and I was snapped back into reality. I turned around and left as I know I'm not ready for anything now.

------------------------------------------

Do you know you're crushing the shattered pieces of my broken heart?

And I really thought that it's over.

-I'm still in verse one of this sad song-

Confession~

2007-07-01T22:52:00.000+08:00

- Everythings changing for the better-
-Hes gonna give me more time to learn-
-i will learn to let him go and accept you-

-------------------------

By doing so, you made me hate you.

The reasons~

2007-06-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

The reasons behind those cuts;
The 1st cut - I allowed him to get close to me and touch me
The 2nd cut - He came to say he like me and I never say anything about it
The 3rd cut - I allowed him to be with me when I was sad
The 4th cut - I allowed him to call me as deardear
The 5th cut - I talked to him instead of talking to you
The 6th cut - I said I want to be alone but I replied him when he talked to me
The 7th cut - I was getting closer to him
The 8th cut - I never manage to reject others
The 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th cut were all to remind me of the promises i broke.

You might say I don't care and that I don't treat you as my stead, but I think I really did treat you as my stead. I seriously felt the guilt within me. It's just that I hate to admit it. I wanted you to love me more. Guess I've chosen the wrong step yet again.

-----------------------------------

It's all over now

Just stupid~

2007-06-28T02:24:00.000+08:00

I'm seriously being dumb. -no u are not- I cut my finger using the fine blade yesterday for a few times and saw the blood dripping. I just couldn't feel the pain. -hugs-
Then today, I proceeded to cut my wrist. The cut was not that deep and when reality hit me, I went to the clinic to get it wrapped. Though it bleeds more, the heart hurts more.
Afterall, you will never care. It's just the stupid me who does stupid things. -iloveyou-
This time, I hope I can really kick you out and let someone else in.

-----------------------------

Give me time to learn.

thank you, i will

Emotion~

2007-06-27T18:55:00.000+08:00

It's over and done

but the heartache lives on inside

And who is the one you're clinging to

instead of me tonight?

And where are you now,

now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow

wherever you go

I'll cry me a river

that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me,darling

you know there'll be nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

nobody left in this world

to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight,goodnight

I'm there at your side,

I'm part of all the things you are

But you've got a part of someone else

You've gotta find your shining star

And where are you now,

now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow

wherever you go

I'll cry me a river

that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul

if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

you know there'll be nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

And where are you now,

now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river

that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul

if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling
you know there'll be nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion taken me over

Tied up in sorrow,

lost in my soul

if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

you know there'll be nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight

Cute paopao~

2007-06-27T01:58:00.000+08:00

Woke up at around 12pm today and I went out with my cousin sister. Received a call from my mum and I rushed home to get some pictures. Took it out to my daddy's office to do some editing and scanning. Spent close to 1 hour doing it but it's worth while as I found something real cute.

-This paopao will be named as mon mon pao-

Then I went to do some other work for uncle and only managed to reach home at around 5pm. My rest day turned out to be another tiring day for poor me as I had to drive around town doing those silly things.

Went out for dinner with dad and mum at around 7pm. Then, I was asked to bring my maid to the night market as they want to buy some things. So I had to drive them to the night market. I seriously hate going to such places at night as it's always crowded with lots of cars.

I must have been on my selfish side when I put the blames on you for breaking the promises. Guess I'm wrong again. It's just me who does all the wrong things all these while. Sorry. Hope that you'll feel better with the right someone.

-----------------------------

I just need the time to be alone for now.

Don't be worried.

I promise to be better when I come back.

New friends for you~

2007-06-27T01:12:00.000+08:00

- Left hand as of 1:05am, 27th June 2007-

---------------------------------

I'll never wake up from this dream if I'm not doing anything.

The pain from the cut is to tell me I'm still awake and to make me understand.

-Or I'm just addicted to cuts-

Every cut appears on my finger;

but it hurts the heart.

Poor Unlucky Left-Hand

2007-06-26T19:22:00.000+08:00

-picture as of 26th June 2007-

-picture as of 14th June 2007-

---------------------------------

I can really feel the pain.

Not on my fingers, but deep in my heart.

-I'm the rot of all these pain-

Monday's post

2007-06-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

Yet another boring and busy monday for me. Was supposed to be having my day off as dad and mum went to KL. But my dady ended up just as busy. Received a phone call from mum in the morning and I'm forced to follow my cousin out with the maids to clean the shop.Later in the afternoon, I had to go out to buy lunch for the workers and the maids. Had to carry 9 packets of rice to my car which is almost a block away from the shop. And the sun is like, just so hot?

After that, I was asked to go to the shopping centre to buy onions and ginger together with my aunt. So I stood among those aunties and started to choose ginger. Actually I don't even know how to choose. I just grab those on top and placed them into the plastic bag to weigh. Spent almost 2 hours choosing onions and ginger. Not forgetting those people at the payment counter who never learn to read the signs.

Uncle : Can I pay credit card?Cashier : Sorry. Cash only in this lane.Uncle : You have that card machine here. Why cannot pay?Cashier : Sorry. We only accept cash here. Please queue up at the next lane.Uncle : Now only you tell me. Don't know how you all do work nowadays.Cashier : Sorry.

*looks up- "Cash Only"*

*dots the uncle*

The rest of the day was just as busy as I had to follow dad and mum out to dinner with their friend. So I just sat there and smiled throughout dinner time. Came back with my jaws feeling numb and tired.

I'm thinking more and more each day. It's just like I'll start to think of every little that happened. And somehow I always link it back to myself. Am I really doing the right things? Am I really doing things that I want? This time for sure, I'll let go. Let go of you, him, me myself and everything that I have. I don't deserve anything at all.

---------------------------------

Perhaps, the beginning of my lessons on Monday,

will bring an end to all these things.

Living in Confusion~

2007-06-26T02:22:00.000+08:00

I really don't know what I'm thinking at times. I just get so confused over silly little things that happen everyday and in the end, I'm the one who suffers from these confusions. All I can do is to convince myself with reasons and excuses that no other will think they do make sense at all.

Serene : That's what you want.
Me : I don't know.
Serene : Shouldn't you be happy to get things that you want?
Me : I thought I'll be happy but it turns out the other way.
Serene : So you're saying you don't want it like that now?
Me : I don't know. I'm confused.
Serene : You have to endure it. Afterall, it was your choice.
Me : Orhs

-------------------------------------

-Learning to cry my lonely tears alone-

I'm just so silly and yet so persistent

Worst weekend ever`~

2007-06-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

Today is sunday. Today is my worst weekend. Today I worked from 6am to 11:30pm as mum and dad had to go to KL to pick up their friend Now I'm home and online and I'm feeling extremely tired after typing the blog entry for saturday. Nothing much left to say for today . Looking forward to better days on monday and tuesday as I will not be working on those days

--------------------------------

*This entry will be edited when I'm feeling less tired.

* The when-I'm-less-tired-version *

I've been through a miserable working week and my Sunday isn't any much better at all.
Having to work on a Sunday is already a very sad thing for me but just imagine, I have to work for more than 16hours on this stupid Sunday.

I went to work early in the morning as usual and the place is extra noisy and hot today as the crowd is usually bigger on weekends. Those uncles and aunties just like to shout hello to each other from different ends of the shop and treat the other people as invisible. Besides that, the workers seems to be having extra energy on today too. Maybe the thought of having 2 days off really did charge their power. They just seem talk louder today.

A : One Iced coffee~

B : Watermelon juice~ RM1.50

C : Come~ Here got place to sit.

D : Hot water coming~

E : One Dunhill 14~

MySuperUncle : Nitah~ Ada orang panggil~

-That's what I hear the whole day at work-

Dad and mum came to take over at around 5pm and I rushed home for a shower. I was feeling all sweaty as it was really stuffy and hot at the shop. Went back to the shop at around 6pm and talked to dad a little. They left for KL at around 7pm as they have to pick up their friend from the airport at around 10pm. So I'm left to continue working till they close the shop at 11:30pm.

*dots stupid weekend*

In between, some funny things happened to me. I was supposed to call my cousin brother who went out to buy some thing. Then I called the wrong cousin and I talked to him for 2 minutes. Then of cause, he scolded me for being blur.

Me : Remember to buy brown sugar.

And also fine salt.

And bring a carton of condensed milk out later.

And also 2 cartons of 100plus.

My phone charger is on my study table, bring it for me also?

Cousin : Are you sure you wanted to call me?

Me : -speechless for a while-

Cousin : Stupid blur blur girl. Wrong person.

Me : Orhs

I received your sms at around 11pm and I only read it at around evening when I went back to work. I came home at around 11:30pm and came online. I clicked on your name on my contact list and a conversation window appeared. I typed 'Do you really mean what you said in the sms?' and I really wanted to press enter. But somehow, I held back and I closed the conversation window minutes later. Later at around 2pm, I clicked on your name again. Then I typed the same message and I cleared it after a few seconds. I said 'Goodnight' to you and I went offline without waiting for your reply. Is it because I'm feeling tired and I want to go offline? Or I just don't know what I can say to you? I thought I wanted to ask you about the sms? But I'm just afraid to know the answer.

-----------------------------------

Do I want it to be a Yes or No?

This time, I really don't know

-I want to let go, but I'm holding on-

Saturday's Entry

2007-06-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

Working on a Saturday can be really boring. Imagine your phone ringing non-stop with calls and sms from your friends asking you out for movies and so on but you just can't join them. It really makes me feel like crying.

*turns to uncle*
Me : Can I...
Uncle : RM 7.40 for Dunhill 20s
Me : Orhs

*concentrate on work for a while until my phone rings again*
Friend : Rene, want to join us for tea in IceIceBaby?

*turn to look at uncle*
Me : I don't think so.
Friend : Your favourite blended mango juice on me?
Me : I want. But I can't go.
Friend : Cheese baked rice?
Me : Take away for me?
Friend : Crazy. Forget it then. See you some other time.
Me : Orhs

Later in the afternoon at around 1pm, I went to tesco to buy Milo and Nescafe powder together with my aunt. The price increased a little from last week but it's still considered as the cheapest around town. I can't imagine how much can it increase to in the next few months. The price of 1 carton of 100plus actually increased by more than RM5 in just 1 week's time. ( RM23.49 to RM28.79)

Anyway, dad was being really kind yesterday and he allowed me to come home at around 5pm. I came home and came online for a while and headed to bed. Must have been the stupid fever that makes me feel really tired. Woke up later at around 9pm and came online to play a few games of pangya.

Later in the night, I realised that I've forgotten to do something really important. So I rushed to my study table and started scratching and matching.

This is like really cute. Out of 100 lottery tickets which cost RM3 each, I only managed to get RM60. *dots PMP* They really earn so so so much.

As I was going offline, I messaged you in msn and you blamed me for not talking to you earlier. Then I told myself. "I called him in the evening and he didn't answer. He messaged me and ask me why did I call him for. I told him it's because he asked me to do so and he replied me in a cool tone -orhs-. So do I still have to talk to him when he come online and he didn't even bother to say hi to me?"
Serene : Ignore him my dear. He's not worth your tears.
Me : Orhs

--------------------------------------------

We've both given up on each other.
The only thing that's left for us is to choose between friendship or complete strangers.
-I think friendship will never exist after a break up-

Lovely day with Lovely cousin~

2007-06-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

Went to work early in the morning just as usual. Cousin sister came to ask me to accompany her for manicure at around 10am and I went with her. As she was doing it in her friend's saloon, I decided to do my hair instead as I can't do manicure.
-Stupid fingers with stupid cuts- Anyway, I practically fell asleep as I was sitting on the chair.

Around afternoon, I went back to the shop to have lunch but bad bad de cousin sister asked me out for shopping. So I went shopping with her and bought some new clothes. Spent quite alot today but cousin paid quite alot for me also.
*muacks muacks~ love you couz~*

Then, we went back to the shop at around 4pm and cousin said we should go for facial. So we headed for facial and I get to sleep again on the bed. Then we headed for spa and massage after facial. I just love this wine theraphy though I feel a little drunk after that but the feeling was great. Very comfortable and relaxing.

Came home at around 9pm and headed straight for a shower to wake myself up. Just as I finished bathing, my phone rang and he called.
Him : Where are you now?
Me : At home. Just finished bathing.
Him : I thought something happened so I called to check.
Me : I'll be online in a while. Talk to you there, okies?
-Really thanks for your care.-

Then, I came online and talked for a while and went back to dreamland as I was feeling a bit drunk. Came back online at 12 and dad bought me chicken wings for dinner. Life is like so great today and I seriously enjoyed it.

Me - Cousin : Thanks for spending your day with me.

I was merely complaining abit and you did so much for me in return.

Thanks alot. I should be okay now

I really don't understand why you want to hold on to these feelings that has been gone for a long time. Why can't we just go our separate ways and perhaps we'll both feel better. The longer you hold onto this, the more hurt I feel. I don't want this to be a long sweet dream that turns into a nightmare in the end.

-------------------------------------

If only that you learn to give up on me,
perhaps I'll also learn to let go of you.
-I want to treasure things that belong to me-

Learning more each day~

2007-06-22T02:16:00.000+08:00

It's been another boring day for me at work. Nothing much happened. But I learnt something new today. Now I know how to slice watermelons into halves. Maybe I'll learn how to make herbal drink tomorrow. This is like just so cute~ More updates tomorrow as I'm feeling sleepy now. Goodnight~

----------------------------------------

Just to let you know I'm fine.

Sick Sick Night~

2007-06-21T06:01:00.000+08:00

It's time to go to work now and I seriously didn't get to sleep at all during the night. Was feeling very sick and I just feel like 'ing the whole night. Whenever I try to sleep, I'll wake up seconds later to find myself feeling very uncomfortable. Maybe I'm getting sick or maybe it's just my stupid fever that makes me feel so. Anyway, guess I'll feel better after taking panadols when I reach my workplace. So, don't worry, okies? As for now, I only hope I can survive through the next 15hours. Close your eyes and pray for me, okies?

--------------------------------

-I'm just physically and mentally tired-

More oranges everyday~

2007-06-21T03:12:00.000+08:00

I was feeling really tired today as I reached home only at 8pm. Mummy just want me to work for a few hours extra.
Mum : Girl, just wait a while more, okies?
Me : I really tired de lors >.<

Mum : Wait a while more.

Me : Orhs
-Mummy doesn't understand what I mean by tired-
Anyway, I played a few rounds of jigsaw with some friends and I went in pangya and fooled around for a while and had some fun bullying some friends. Perhaps that's what I enjoy doing last time. But today when I'm doing the same, I don't feel happy at all. Wearing more fake smiles again?

Anyway, about the blog entry yesterday, some might find that I'm saying weird things as even me myself can't really understand it.But as long as the special someone knows what I mean, it should be good enough.
Guess its a tiring but happy day for me? At least I did manage to learn to get back to be the previous me. I'm already stepping back into myself.

And by the way, featured puzzle for 21st June is also oranges

----------------------------

I wonder if I'm stepping back into me,

or I'm just stepping into yet another world.

Orange day?

2007-06-20T02:32:00.000+08:00

As expected, my work time seriously increased by the days. Dad passed me the car key and said I can go home at around 7pm and I was feeling really happy as I'm abit tired today and I really wished to go home soon. I practically speed along the way home and took a shower, hoping to get online as soon as possible. Just when I'm dressing up, I received a call from mum.

Mum : Girl, you're at home now?
Me : Yea. Why?
Mum : Okay. Took your shower?
Me : Yups
Mum : Then, please bring 3 cartons of 100plus to the shop for me.
Me : Er..
Mum : It's in the storeroom beside the car porch.
Me : Er..but..
*tooot tooot*
-looks at handphone : Disconnected-
Me - Mum : I thought dad meant that I can go home and sleep.

So I went down to the storeroom and asked my maid to put the drinks into my car. Then I drove out to the shop and as I was about to leave for home again, mum came out to stop me.

Mum : Where are you going now?
Me : Home?
Mum : For?
Me : Nothing? Rest?
Mum : Do we still have lots of drinks in our storeroom?
Me : Not really.
Mum : Then, please go to Tesco to get some can drinks, okies?
-It's not like I can say no; why do you even bother asking?-

Maybe I should start counting my work time by hours. RM8 for each hour should be good enough. As I usually work for more than 12 hours a day, I should be able to get around RM3000 at the end of this month.
*knocks my own head*
Serene : Stop dreaming. You're still awake now, okies?
Me : Orhs. Just fantasizing only
Serene : Don't be dumb. You're not gonna be paid, remember?
Me : Orhs

When I reached home after buying those things, its already 9:30pm. So I rushed for another quick shower and came online to talk to my friends abit. Then I tried today's featured puzzle; oranges. When I restarted jigsaw, it's already 12:25am and the featured puzzles changed. Try guessing what puzzle do we have for today(20th June)?

*shakes head in disappointment*
Answer : More oranges
*lameness rules~*

Sometimes when I feel that you're doing too much for me, I'll feel the guilt in myself. It's not that I don't enjoy being pampered by you or so. But I really don't want you to pamper me too much. Maybe I'm just afraid; afraid that I won't be able to do as much for you. I hate this kind of contradictions that exist within me.

---------------------------------------

You're doing so much for me.
Can I really do the same for you?
-I like something, but I just can't say I want it.-

Rum Raisin Ice-cream~

2007-06-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

Went to work as usual today and I counted my working hours. Its getting longer each day. From the first week where I only work from 6am to 3pm, I've been complaining that I'm tired when I reached home. Over the next few days, my working time extended to 5pm. When I reach home, I'll usually just come online and say hi to some frens and head to dreamland for at least two hours. Then, this week, my work time actually extended to at least 7pm everyday.

Around afternoon, uncle Goh from Public Bank came to see me and I had to sign the documents for applying the car loan. As dad have decided to put my name as the owner for the new car, I had to sign more than forty signatures. Dad, as the guarantor, also need to sign more than ten signatures. After signing a few signatures, I began to feel bored and tired.

Uncle : Feeling tired? Your signature seems to be getting smaller.
Me : Yea.
Uncle : Missing a few curves here and there.
Me :
Uncle : So cute. If they don't accept this, you'll have to sign all over again.
Me : Er... serious?
Uncle : Do I sound like I'm not?
-Sits up straight and sign carefully-
Bad Uncle Goh, always like to tease me whenever he see me.

Later in the evening, I went to Jusco to buy ice-cream for dad. Bought 2 pints of ice-cream for RM45 and I waited for almost 30minutes for the guy to scoop the ice-cream. *dots stupid guy*. Back then, when my friend worked for Baskin Robin, I only have to wait 5 minutes. Is this what they call decreased efficiency? Or people now are just lazy? Anyway, when I gave the ice-cream to dad together with a kiss on his cheek, he went to mum's bag and took RM500 out for me.

Him : Pay you back for the ice-cream.
Me : Ice-cream cost RM47.25 only inclusive of 5% government tax.
Him : Then you keep the extra for dad first, ok?
Me : Er.. Can I use it?
-dad pretends not to hear-
Him : I'm going to Digi centre, you wanna follow?
Me : Okies
-thanks daddy, I love you-
Dad isn't that mean afterall. Though he said he'll not settle the bill for me, he still did.
Me - daddy : You're the greatest dad~ Love you loads~

When I went back to the shop at around 5pm, I received a few sms and calls from my friends asking when I'll be home. Sorry for not replying as my line is still blocked and it takes at least 2 hours before they'll unblock it. Digi said its the procedure but dad claimed that they're just inefficient. That's the way we do things in Malaysia.*cheers for Malaysia*

Came home at around 7:30pm and headed for a shower. I received a call at this time and my friend thought I'm still working. Then, I came online at around 7:45pm and spent my time chatting with some of my friends.

Then, I thought of changing the plaster on my index finger as I got it wet while feeding doggy. So I was holding the bandage and scissors in my right and I tried to remove the plaster from the finger. Somehow my hand slipped while I was pulling the bandage and the scissors cut my finger, slightly below the plaster. My finger started bleeding really badly as the cut was quite deep. I cleaned the wound with Dettol and wrapped it up with plasters while busy cursing the stupid scissors. Now I have 2 plaster on my index finger and another on my middle finger. I think this is really cool.
* both fingers injured* Lols.

Him : Why you always so gloomy de?
Me : Er.. When you first knew me, am I this gloomy?
Him : Almost the same, I guess?
Me : -speechless-
Him : Can say you were more lively last time.
Me : I wish to be like last time too.
-I really do. But, someway, I've changed-

I'll try harder to get myself out of this hole as I really don't like the feeling in here. Thanks for those who offered to help me out. Thanks for those who brought hope to me. Thanks for those who care.

-----------------------------------

But as I keep trying harder to get out, my heart and mind becomes weaker.

I'm feeling really tired this time. Will I be able to carry on?
-For you, I will-

Boring day

2007-06-18T02:24:00.000+08:00

I had one of those boring sundays today as I had to work from 6am to 7pm. I'm just busy from morning till evening and there's not much chance for anything to happen. I practically sat behind the counter for another 12 hours and spent an hour walking around getting drinks and so on.
When dad came to find me, I gave him a big hug and kiss. Then blur daddy got a little freaked out as I don't usually do that to him unless when I'm begging for extra pocket money or so on. So mum told him it's fathers' day so he relaxed abit. I promised him a pint of rum raisin ice-cream tomorrow, condition is, he'll pay for it and also, not forgetting my share. So it'll be 2 pints of rum raisin ice-cream on daddy tomorrow. *muacks daddy*
Me : You're just so great. Loves you~
Dad's friend came over to meet dad at around 5pm in the evening. So I just sat there and continued my day-dreaming adventure. The only thing that keeps appearing in my mind is confusion. The more I think, the more confused I became. But heck care what is it about. I'm just blur by nature. That's the usual Serene, rite?

When I reached home today, its already 7:20pm. Had my shower and came online at 7:45pm. Nothing much happened at that time but I'm feeling kinda sleepy and tired. Was having slight headache so I went offline for a while and tried to sleep. But thing is, I just can't seem to fall asleep. Took 2 panadols, rolled on my bed for a while and came back online. Tried to play a few msn games with my friends but the stupid thing just don't want to work. So I went to stone for a while.

The games finally started to load after a while and I played jigsaw puzzle with a friend. Msn is really weird at times. It's like, Msn is choosing who I should play with. I tried with a few person but somehow it only worked with him. Anyway, I've completed all the 3 featured puzzle for today. Giraffe, green pepper and watering cans. Just how lame can that be. Completed watering can puzzle in 14 minutes and I guess that's the best record so far. As for the giraffe picture that's so green and black, we took about 30 minutes and 33 minutes for the green pepper puzzle which is all green.That's quite good as it managed to take my mind of you for a while.

Nini came home today from his 5 days trip to Malaysia. We talked for a while and he keeps complaining that he's tired after the long trip. *counts* 7 hours+
drive from Ipoh back to Singapore. If I were to sit for that long, I would've cried. I remember the time when I followed daddy to Johor. Its just like 5 hours+ and I cried when I reach. So dad practically carried me up to the hotel lobby and he bought me a lollipop.
Serene : You must be thinking she was still young at that time.
Me : Ehs. Please don't say.

Serene : That's actually like, just 2 years ago.
Me : *looks away*

Serene : 17 year old crying in hotel lobby
Me : -speechless-
-I'm indeed a cry baby-

I'm really getting sick of myself at times. I know I will feel much better living in ignorance. I know I will feel much better not to ask. I know I will feel much better not knowing those things. But instead,I choose to insist on asking, I choose to find out, I choose to know. Why do I have to do all this? It is really because I care? Or I just like to be a busybody?
I really don't know.

He was talking to me and I asked him to talk to you. He said you're not feeling okay and I asked him to cheer you up. He said you're feeling down and I asked him to accompany you. He said you're feeling left out and I asked him to sayang you more. It's not like I don't feel the jealousy but I just want to do so. Perhaps, I'm still feeling the guilt in me.

---------------------------------

I'm feeling weak.
I'm feeling tired.
I'm feeling confused.
I'm feeling sad.
-All because I'm guilty-

Rainy weather? Gloomy Me =.="

2007-06-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

Is it really the monsoon season that brings the rain? Or is it our moods that affects the weather?
Serene : You idiot! It's weather that affects your mood. Not the other way.

Anyway, it's another rainy day today and my mood is seriously affected by this wet and cold weather. I just feel like crying more when I turn to look at the gloomy sky. Things that appear in my mind tells me that I'm making my friends sad in one way or another. And at the same time, I'm making myself sad also. Then I'll start to think even more and end up crying. This has become a part of me since a few weeks ago. I really do wonder if this will actually stop at all.

Back to things that happened today. I went to work early in the morning as usual and sat at the counter for more than 10 hours dreaming my way while working. But I think I've improved a little over the past 2 weeks of working. I can actually differentiate coffee and tea and other drinks.

Took my cousin to town to get his bike back from the repair shop at around 5pm. He asked me to leave for home first as he had to check the bike before leaving and he might take some time. Though I do admit that I'm not familiar with the roads in town but I'm not that dumb yet. I still know my way home. -I guess- Stupid cousin bully me and messed my hair and he said I'm dumb
Him : Are you sure you remember the way home?
Me : Yes lar.
Him : Tell me which direction?
Me : *Points to the left*
Him : *Knocks my head*
Him : Its that way, dummy. *points to the back*
Me : I know when reach the junctions. I just don't know which direction from here.
Him : Okay then. Call me if you're lost ba.
-I'm not that dumb de. Really-

When I reached home, I thought of going out to get a father's day gift for daddy so I went out to Jusco. Just when I want to turn into the parking lot, I realised that the place is already packed with cars. The thought of having to look for parking space for an hour or so totally freaked me out so I headed home instead. Guess I'll just give daddy a big hug and kiss as his present again.

I came online at around 6pm and I realised that most of my friends are not around. I practically *poke poke* everyone and none of them replied. Only those that I don't wish to talk to came by and said hi to me. I really don't like this feeling. Maybe I was a little earlier than usual today? Or maybe they're just busy. It's not that they don't want to reply me, right?

*pats my left shoulder with my right hand*
Serene : Sayang you de wors

Anyway, glad that you came to talk to me. Thanks.

------------------------------

The brightest colour that I see is black.
When it fades into grey, my heart turns weak.
-I hate grey icons-

Just another day

2007-06-16T02:54:00.000+08:00

Couldn't really get to sleep at all yesterday. I started to roll on my bed at 4am and I practically continued rolling for another 2 hours.
My mind keeps telling me to sleep but my heart doesn't want to follow. My body was feeling really tired by then and I could hardly open my eyes but my mind keep drifting into the nightmares I've been having for the past few days. The fear of having to stay in depression is really making me feel terrible. In the end, I had to take sleeping pills to make me sleep

When I woke up, its already 9:45am and I didn't go to work in the morning. I went back to sleep as I was still feeling drowsy. Cousin came home and woke me up at around 11am and I went to work with him. I just sat at the counter for the next few hours and I just can't seem to wake up.
I felt kinda weird. When I really wanted to sleep, I can't get to fall asleep. And when I need to wake up, I'm staying in my own dreamland, refusing to wake up. *dots me*

Later around 2pm, I went to register for a car plate number with the sales agent. Just look at the way our government set policies. All I can think of is that money comes before everything else. From what my uncle said, back then when he bought his 1st car, perhaps, 30 years ago. They only need to pay RM10 for the processing fees. There's no such thing as paying a few hundred dollars extra to get a number. It is meant to be free as we've already paid when registering a new car. Now its like we're paying extra for something which already belong to us.
*dots*

When I went back to the shop at around 3pm, I saw a little kitten under my car. I was so afraid that I'll run over it. So what I did was to bring the little kitten to somewhere futher but it just keep coming back under my car. Perhaps it needed the warmth from my car engine as I can see that it's a little wet from the rain earlier. When the kitten came back to my car, I had to catch it and place it into a paper box. Took it over to the veterinarian nearby for adoption and paid RM20. I told my cousin when I went back to the shop and he claimed that I'm stupid as I could have just placed the box outside the vet's door
instead of walking in and paying that extra RM20.
*pokes stupid cousin*
Me - Him : What if a stray dog came and bite the kitten?

You stingy idiot with no love for animals.

Went out to shopping malls to check out the price of can drinks and some other things with cousin. When I came home, it's already 9pm. Took a warm shower and tried to come online and to realise that my stupid maid turned off the modem when she was cleaning dad's room. Now that the door is locked and I couldn't switch on the modem, I had to use dial up connection. It's just soooooo laggy. Went offline to nap while waiting for dad to come home with my dinner. Now i'm online again using wireless connection. whee~~

I don't really know what I'm thinking but patches of blood keep appearing in my mind. Maybe I looked at blood too much in the past few days.
*turn to look at my finger*
Serene : You're having hallucinations
Me : -speechless-

----------------------------

Please knock me back into reality.
I don't want to stay in this nightmare.
-Reality can be as cruel as my nightmares-

Given up hope, what more do I have?

2007-06-14T23:48:00.001+08:00

Nothing much happened at work today. Everything seems to be so normal to me. Or maybe its just that my mind keeps drifting into my own dreamland and I can't see things that happen in front of my eyes.
Me - Myself : Idiot, stop thinking too much.

Through all this confusion, I found out something.The two sides of my brain can be working their different ways together. I can count money and do my work as usual, at the same time, I'll also find myself drifting into my own dreamland. I'll call this as multi-tasking
Me - Myself : That's schizophrenia, you idiot!

Came home at around evening today and I came online to look around. Everyone seems to be busy with their own things although some of them did reply me in a way or another. Then I saw the blade on my study table and started playing with it. Cutting all papers i see and the next stupid thing I know, I cut across my middle finger. It just kept bleeding and as I was still chatting on msn, I just wrapped it with a tissue.

Then it started raining rather heavily outside. So I went out to take a look for about a few minutes or so. Got myself all wet again as the wind keep blowing the rainwater into my balcony. *dots the rain, dots the wind*

Serene : You're always playing in the rain
Me : I never mean to. It's just that the stupid wind keep blowing.
Serene : And why did you stay there then?
Me : -speechless-

Me - Myself : I just felt like 'washing' my mind again.

I really did try to get out from this miserable hole. I keep stretching my hand out and I tried to grab hold of everything I can. I don't like to stay in this hole also but I only get bruises when I start trying. I'm hurting myself more in the process of fighting my way out of this misery. The more I struggle, the deeper I fall. I think I'm stucked in a mudhole.

-The hand that I used to hold onto hope, is all bruised-

-------------------------------

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
-I feel like a nobody-

FTW day - 13thJune2007

2007-06-14T03:57:00.001+08:00

Bad things continues to happen everyday without fail. I went out to the shop with cousin at 6am. Wasn't feeling well the whole morning. I just keep losing concentration on things that I do. Wanted to get a warm cup of tea to drink and the cup I was holding just somehow slipped and broke when it fell to the ground. Everyone in the shop practically turned and stare at me.

Then, when I was walking back to the counter, I knocked into the worker and there's milo stain on my white shorts. When a man came to buy cigarette,I took his money and gave him a lighter instead. Uncle caught me in this confusion and he scolded me for not concentrating.

Later around 2pm, dad called me and asked me to fetch him from home as there's some problem with his car. I took this opportunity to change my clothes while waiting for mum.
Something went wrong with the immobilizer of my car and it could not be started. As usual, mum gave me a 30 minutes talk
on how to drive safely and carefully. Called up my cousin and he came home to fetch me and mum out while dad waited for the mechanic to fix the car.

As for daddy's car, it has to be sent back to the shop for a thorough check up. I don't know much bout what actually happened but he said a tyre from his car came off while he was reversing the car out from the porch. Imagine a tyre coming off just like that from a Volvo car which is supposed to be the safest car? Dad just bought this stupid car like.. last year?

*dots Volvo company*

The rest of the day was just as bad. I just keep getting on both dad's and mum's nerves and my day was filled with lectures and talks. When I came home, everything took a 180 degree turn. Now its people who keep getting on my nerves making me super pissed off. I even started cursing when my MSN games failed to load.
Me : Sorry everyone. I'm wrong again.

Sometimes I do wonder how you define love.
My definition : It is love when I feel happy to see you smile. It is love when you keep appearing in my mind. It is love when I'm willing to do just everything for you. It is love when you say you love me, and tears start forming in my eyes. It is love when I start to feel weird without you.
Yours : It is love when you're willing to do everything for me

-----------------------------------------

-It's just another sleepless night-

Happy to get a new car?

2007-06-13T02:01:00.000+08:00

After all the effort I put in to make myself feel better, there's still other things that managed to make me sad.

The bad things just happened like the way they did yesterday. -I know they'll never fail me-
I was in a rush when I went out this morning and I left my phone on my dressing table.
Was feeling very insecure without my phone so I came home to get it. Walking down the stairs, I realised I forgot my car key and I ran all the way back to my room to get it.
This time down the stairs, I tripped and fell down the stairs -just like a stupid potato- Knocked my leg against the side of the stairs a little and bruised my ankle at the edge of the steps.

-another blueblack ba-

Later, I went to the service centre today to ask about my laptop.
Without checking at all, the technician said;
Him : Sorry. I guess you'll have to leave this here for a few days.
Me : What's wrong with it?
Him : I'm not so sure. You'll most probably have to replace the whole keyboard.
Me : If have to replace? How long do I have to wait?
Him : The fastest should be around a month
-A few days without laptop; I can get sick. A month without it? I can die-

When I went back to the shop, dad took me out to test drive the new car. Wasn't in the mood at all but dad insisted that I should try the car since he's buying it for me. Took a wrong turn into a dead end and dad scolded me for being dumb.
Me- Myself : Yes, you're more than just dumb. You're an idiot.

Went back to the shop to have dinner. This time, mum scolded me for not cleaning the bruise on my arm and the wound on my finger. After listening to her lecture for an hour or so, I was forced to go to the pharmacy to get some bandage.Just when i was reaching home, I realised I forgot the antiseptic solution so I had to go all the way back to the pharmacy.

And to realise that the pharmacy has closed. Had to go to the shopping centre instead. As it was dinner time, the carpark was full. Forced to drive around looking for a parking space. Bought that tiny bottle of dettol and headed back home.

Checked my phone account status and I've actually reached my credit limit. Which means, they'll bar my line anytime from now on until I paid up. This is just so dumb as dad has warned me about my phone bill the previous month.
Dad : If they really bar your line again, I'll never pay for you.

Came online when I reached home and talked to my friends abit. Then he came to make my mood worse.
Him : Tell me. Don't just keep everything to yourself.
Me : I don't feel like talking, please let me be alone 1st?
Him : Please don't always keep quiet about everything
Explained every single thing to him and I went offline.

-Perhaps I really needed that time to be alone-

In my imaginary world, I was in this deep hole where I can only see darkness around me. This darkness is nothing like the darkness we have when the light is turn off. This darkness is a combination of sorrows, fears, past memories and future uncertainties. Then I told myself that there's is still hope around as I looked up at the exit of this hole. I began to gather some materials to build my own way towards the top. I found friendship, care, love, hope and trust as the main materials to build this stairs. All I do everday is to put the materials together and try to inch my way to the top. But everyday step i take towards the top seems to be blocked by obstacles that make me feel weak and tired. These obstacles tells me to give up and try to stay in this hole where I belong to.
------------------------------------------
I really wonder, how bad can such petty things be?
-I've already tasted the worse things-

The future is our hands, and my hands are in this dark hole

The 2 ways of looking at the same thing?

2007-06-12T00:49:00.000+08:00

'Smile and the whole world smiles with you; Cry and you'll cry alone'

- this is like so not true-
Recently, everyone's down with the same problem of being too emotional over petty things that happens. Me myself has been feeling really down and when I turned to my friends, I realised that they don't feel any much better than I do. For some reasons or another, everybody seems to be complaining bout all sorts of different things. Take a look at those blog entries and you'll find that 80% of the entries are emotional.

-I've heard of global warming, but I didnt know emotion warming exist-

*lame enough to create that term*

Anyway, when I reached home from work today, its already 5:30pm. Took a quick shower and I came online. Started messaging my friends on MSN and only a few replied. I played Jigsaw Too with kiwikiwi and the 1st picture we tried was super cute. Took 53minutes to complete that puzzle of a few slices of kiwi.

Me : Kiwi can make me blur >.<

-after a while-
Kiwi : I hate fixing myself ._.
Me : lols

-He was really cute when he said that-

Looking back at the silly things I did today, all I can say is that I'm really silly. This morning when I was working, I found a piece of paper and I drew something I had on my mind. I drew this picture of mountains and a sun that I used to draw when I was younger.

Recalls:-
Dad : What are you drawing?
Me : The sun.
Dad : Is it the sunrise or sunset?
Me : Sunrise. A symbol of hope;

as I look forward to the new things that happens everyday.
-Just how young and innocent at that time-

But today when I drew this familiar picture, I realised that its actually alot darker and it ain't supposed to be called as the sunrise. It looked more like a sunset to me.

-Perhaps I'm just losing hope and faith in things that happens now-

Situation A :-
A : Everyday the centre of attention. Don't feel stressed?
Me : Me? No wors
A : You're so famous
Me : er?
A : Dunno. Cuz, like sometimes there's other people surrounding you.
A : Then its like always got people like you de
-I don't like that feeling too. It just makes me feel so stressed-

Situation B :-
B : Today it didn't rain here. Did it rain there?
Me : hmm.. Not heavy ba?
Me : If heavy rain then good. I can go out and 'wash' my brain again
-I was just joking. Don't want to catch cold again-
B : Yesterday you very silly le
Me : Today was just as silly

I walked into the kitchen where the fruits were kept. I saw 2 green apples lying on the chopping board with a knife beside it. Stared at the juicer for a while and the thought of drinking apple juice did not appear. Instead, I concentrated on the knife which was lying dead and still beside the apples. Took it up with my right hand and I cut the apple into half. Then, I used the same knife to draw a small line on my finger. My blood dripped onto the apple and I put down the knife. Walked out of the kitchen and took a plaster to cover my wound.
I don't know what's on my mind when I did that but all I know is that I don't feel the pain at that time. Its only now when I had to use my finger to type that I start to realised my stupidity.

*dots me*

-----------------------------------
-I'm beginning to look from the darker side of life-
Everything's like a nightmare to me

How silly can I be?

2007-06-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

Its always on rainy days like this when I start to behave weird. I'll start to think of all the things that happened to me and others. And when I'm weird enough, I'll even go to the extend where I start to make up my own stories and think of things that might not even happen in the first place.
'Put your hands together for Serene? She's getting weirder each day; doing more and more silly things'
Today, while everyone was busy working in the shop, my mind started to wander off again. I just keep thinking bout things that never happen. I was feeling so much in dream that I told myself, 'I need to wake up and concentrate on my work'. Then I found myself placing my index finger in the drawer. The next thing that happened really woke me up.

A lady walking past the drawer actually slammed the drawer and my finger turned red. Weird to say but I really can't feel the pain at all. Uncle scolded me and he wrapped my finger with a cold hanky. I knew that this will happen and yet, I placed my finger there, hoping to feel the pain. Am I really being that silly? The consequences of this? I'll have to type using my middle finger for a few days.
The rest of the day at work was nothing special as I just keep day dreaming of weird things. Mum came to scold me and I just sat at the counter while waiting for my dad to fetch me home. I went into pangya and played a few rounds when I reached home. Things weren't that bad at that time until later when I start to drift back into my emotional world again.

Situation A :-
Me : It's raining here wors. Feel cold cold de
A : *hugs*
Me : Make me think alot and feel like crying >.<

A : What you thinking of?
Me : Thinking of all the silly things I do
A : Sometimes, I do silly things also
-Everyone does silly things.Its just that I do more-

Situation B :-
B : I can't seem to come online now.

B: Guess I'll come online when I get back from dinner
Me : Orhs
B : Try to get some rest while I'm away. Or try to nap a while if you're tired?
Me : Okies
-I'm really tired, not physically though-

Situation C :-
C : Try to find something to talk about?
Me : Don't want
C : Don't want to chat?
Me : Don't know what to talk about
Me : Having headache
-I'm starting to walk into my own world-

Situation D :-
D : You can share your troubles with me.
Me : I'm thinking too much again
D : You can tell me
Me : Guess I'll take a few minutes to clear my thoughts.
D : Orhs
Me : brb
-I was just feeling very confused-

I was thinking of lying on the bed to clear my thoughts but doggy started barking as the rain got heavier. I walked to the balcony and saw the raindrops falling onto the grass in the garden. A silly thought came into my mind and I walked down to the living room. I placed doggy on the table and I walked out to the car porch and stared at the raining sky for a while. The next silly thing that I did was to walk out into the rain. I stood in the rain for quite a while;hoping that it'll wake me up. Then my maid came running to me and dragged me in. I was all wet and cold but the rain didn't help at all. I'm still as confused as ever.

---------------------------------------

-I tried hard to stay in this happy world;but to find myself sliding into yet another nightmare-

Feeling really weak and cold

Scribblings

2007-06-10T03:30:00.000+08:00

You were not around after I posted that entry. I just stared at the monitor for a while and this ran through my mind.
Serene: Look only at the sights you want to see.
Think only of the things you wish to know.
Listen only the sounds you hope to hear.
Me: I covered my left eye, wanting to see the happy sights
I thought of him, wishing to know his feelings
I listened to his voice, hoping to hear laughter
Me: All I see is the tears I tried to hide
All I think is the sorrows within me
All I hear is the whimpers from myself

-------------------------------------------

-Maybe I should wish for the opposite and pray that it will work the same way as now-

I 'love' Life~

2007-06-10T01:25:00.000+08:00

When I was feeling blur and confused, I looked up at the sky through the window and
I asked God, "Am I doing the right thing now? Or am I taking another wrong turn again this time?"
Then, God replied me in a way I wish He didn't. I was typing some words when I heard a sound from my keyboard and the next thing I knew, a few buttons on my keyboards can't work.

I don't know if I'm interpreting it the right way or am I just thinking too much again. But somehow, I think things are telling me to stop. Telling me to quit this game that brought so much harm to me myself and some friends that I really treasured. Telling me to take my leave and telling me to put an end to all this stupid things that I'm doing.

Looking back at the brief conversation I had with him yesterday:-
Me : I need time to be alone and think about this
Him: I've given u so much time to think
Me : Please let me be alone for now?
Him: I left you to be on your own and you turned into this. I don't want you to be feeling worse
Me : -speechless; repeats myself-
-Though I hate to admit things, I do feel that what he said was true. I'm heading downwards as I start to think too much.-

Back to reality; today :-
Situation A :-
He asked me a few questions
A : You don't need to answer now wors.
A : Anytime you can answer me.
Me : Orhs
A : And remember, always think 3 seconds before you do anything
Me : Orhs
-When I start to thinking, it'll be a never ending 300000seconds-

Situation B :-
I was keeping quiet
B : If you don't feel ok, you can tell me, I am here to listen
B : Don't keep it to yourself because, it feels better if you share your problem
B : Don't have to worry about burdening me or making me overly worried or something
B : Don't have to be affraid that you'll burden me too much if you share your problems with me
Me : Orhs
-I want to share my feelings too, but I just don't know how to put it in words-

Situation C :-
He came to talk to me on msn
Me : Stupid keyboard. Make me feel sad sad de
C : You must not go back to your crying live le o
C : *sayangs*
Me : Orhs ^^

C : I'll try my best to keep your smile up there
-You still care for me. Thanks-

Situation D :-

He talked about my new ign in pangya

D : All ohana people say that Queenie is gone but so easy to find back

Me : I really want to hide but you all come to find me

Me : Why can't you all just leave me alone?

D : Because we care for you

-I don't want to turn your care into sorrow-

Some happy bits yesterday:-
Played around with my blog and I get this cute thing

This blog is open to invited readers only Someone said I like to *pokes* >.< http://blur-babyoinkz.blogspot.com/ It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

-A cute thing; A happy day for me?-

------------------------------------------------
I've lost my multi-tasking ability in this confusion
-I'm walking my route to Depression-
Life is all about emotions to me

Another bad day? Or everyday's just the same

2007-06-08T21:54:00.000+08:00

I was feeling rather down today and I did a lot of stupid things which I think the normal intellectual Serene wouldn't even think of doing.

I woke up late this morning and went out to work at 11am. As I was taking the right turn into the parking lot at my workplace, something hit me and I drove to somewhere else after calling my uncle. The next thing I know is that I am sitting in my car, not knowing what to do. -I spent 4 hours sitting in the car, outside my ex's house-

Came home at around 5 and talked on msn for a while before logging into pangya to prepare for guild battles.I organised the first guild battle againts [GenuinE] at 7pm and it's very obvious that [Oinkz] lost. My emotions got worse at that time as I was 'forced' to play with a 38.7 degree fever -Hands freezing in a stuffy room without aircon and fan-

I deleted everyone in my buddy list and proceeded to delegating guild leadership to a member that no longer plays pangya. The next stupid thing that I did was to change my ign and then leave guild. The reason of doing all these? I'm just bored of this game and I will never play this game as [Oinkz.QueeN] again.

I'm very sure that I'm no longer the Queenie that bring smiles to everyone in pangya. I'm a selfish person who will never think of others' feelings. I'm a flirt who flirts with every guy that I meet. I'm a self-centered person who wants attention from every guy. I'm a insensitive person who hurts others. Yups, that's what they think I am now. -even I agree to that at times-

He came back at around 9pm and I went to the kitchen to grab my dinner. I guess he was feeling moody too at that time and I can't blame him for that.
Him: i take "orh" and ">.<" as u promised and yes or any form of saying yes.. treat mi as one i treat u back as one.. don tihnk everything suits u or everything is with u.. there's more things that wan to go against u than those that goes wif u

Me : Okies. Good then

Him: ya.. someone promised you something but he/she doesn't do it.

You call it as good?

Me : Good because I want you to ignore me

I smiled as I said this but deep inside I felt weird. Is this what you call as 'mixed emotions'? I only know my tears started flowing as my lips curled into this smile, a very fake smile.

-----------------------------------------

I keep saying 'nothing' when I'm really troubled by something

-I hate contradictions-

-I want you to let go, but I held onto you-

and I really thought I'm 19 =.="

2007-06-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

You Are 8 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

bad bad hormones >.<

2007-06-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

Without realising it, I'm wiping my tears again. I don't even know when and why did I start crying in the first place. All I remember is that I was playing pangya and he came online.

Him: You're always like this.

You said you want to change but you be like this again the next day
Me : Sorry
Him: You're always like this de.
Me : Sorry >.<

Him: Don't keep saying sorry. Please do as you said.

Me: Orhs

I was still not crying at that time so its not his fault.

Then I was in pangya lobby talking to some friends and I went afk for a while to feed my baby. When I came back, I was still feeling okay as I joined a guild member for a team match game. I think I started crying at that time but I really don't know why.
Maybe I was just feeling tired or am I actually thinking too much again
I'll just blame it on the hormones?
*dots hormones*?

Contradictions:-
I don't like to see others saying sorry to me because I'll feel very depressed and guilty when it is not his/her fault in the first place. Sometimes I might even feel frustrated or angry.
But I looked through my chat log and I realised that the word 'sorry' keeps appearing.
I thought I hated that word? Why do I keep using it then?
The only reason that I can think of is "Serene, you're guilty"

I'm sorry for all the times when I tried to put the blame on others but myself. I once said that you pushed me back into depression when I was almost able to get out of it. Sorry for being so ignorant. Today I finally realise that I was the one who kept myself in this dark hole, not wanting to get out of it. I'm the one who tied my hands and stop myself from climbing to the top.

I need to make myself feel better. *Bites Toblerone chocolate bar*

---------------------------------------

-Depression lives within me. Its a part of me that will never go away-

pms week? >.<

2007-06-07T01:03:00.000+08:00

I just wanted to get this out. Ignore my grammar errors. Was crying while typing this.

I keep telling myself that everything is over. I tell myself that the feeling is no longer there. I tell myself that I've given up everything. I tell myself that the result will be like what I dreamt of. I tell myself that I'll never shed another tear for you. But when my itchy fingers start to press around the keyboard, myself will lead me to the place I'm afraid most. The place where I'll start to make myself think and then make myself sad and cry.
The thousand times when you said those words to me, I'll ask myself, do you really mean it at all? You said you'll never hurt me again. You said I'll be the only one you love. You said I'll be the only one you care of. You said I matter the most to you. You said you'll only want to talk to me and nobody else. Then when I turn around, I see you doing all the don'ts that you said you will not do. What does this actually mean?
I really thought that I'm out of this dark hole. But just now when I talk to you I realised that I'm still inside. The sunshine that I thought I saw all this while was never there at all. I'm still in my depressed world. It's a never ending story, a sad story that will last as long as ever.
I guess I can only learn to get used to this world, as this will be the place for me
As for you, please do learn to let me go. Don't lock me in this place. When my tears dry up, I dunno what else can come out from my eyes.
----------------------------------------
I found that you needed more attention than I do. You like fame too.

First week~

2007-06-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

Whee, I have survived working at coffeeshop for one week~ It's a tiring but satisfying experience~ I learnt to see the difference of milk tea and white coffee. Know how to count money fast, and know how to sell cigarette

Today super busy day, work till around 5 and went to buy things, busy until cannot recognize who is on the phone when my friend called. I got back around 6 then have to drive cousin go out, if I drive him out I can have more freedom, if not he might drive me back to coffee shop and work till 10 again.

Yesterday went to buy watermelon again. And got bullied in the car park. I was waiting near 2 cars that was leaving. Then the people slowly pack things up their car, get into the car and wait there, didn't wanted to reverse out. Waited a while more then one reverse out, another car went in. After the second car reverse out and as I want to steer into the empty spot, A kancil came and slipped itself snugly at the park lot instead.
Almost felt like ramming the Kancil but cousin's baby boy on the car, don't want to frighten him. *dots* stupid kancil!

I regret staying back at work to help mummy today. So many things happened today while I was away. Why does everything have to happen when I'm not at home? Why can't things happen when I'm there to witness them? I feel so insecured. I don't want to be the last person to know things. The sense of insecurity is really killing me. If you've chosen to talk about it when I'm not around, please don't let me know it at all. Let me be ignorant? Let me stay out of this matter? I don't want to know just a small part of the matter and start building up the storyline and writing my own ending. I'm not meant to be a successful author.

I'm feeling really weak again. Just when I thought that I'm recovering from my previous illness, things start rushing at me and I'm beginning to feel sick again.

Situation A :-

A : Serene, recently why you so busy de?
Me : Working everyday.

A : You ignoring me?

Me : No ar. Just abit too busy recently. Sorry >.<

-He said he still likes me. I don't know what I can say.-

Situation B :-

B : I've been thinking bout something.

Me : What thing?

B : -refers to source-

Me : er...

B : Yea. I still like you but I won't rush to making decisions.

I'm not too sure about myself also.

Me : Orhs >.<

B : I did relate my fear that I don't know you well enough to

truly understand why I feel like this towards you

It doesn't change one thing though is that I just want to see you happy

Me : Orhs >.<

-Sorry. I really don't know what I can do now-

Situation C : -

C : Please don't treat me so well.

Me : Why?

C : I don't dare to take it. As it might be an illusion.

And if it's really an illusion, I'll feel my heart break

Me : >.<

-I do want to treat you all well. I do mean what I say-

Situation D :-

D : Please stop treating me like a stranger.

Me : I never.

D : Then why you don't talk to me anymore?

Me : No ar

D : I want to be like last time. I want you to tell me how you feel.

Me : Orhs

-I really want to tell you too, but I just do not know how-

------------------------------------------

-Too much of something can really be bad enough to cause a break down-

If I really feel so hard to love you, why do I insist on being with you?

It's not like I don't feel the hurt. Or maybe I'm just too used to it.

Fourth day~

2007-06-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

Today is already the fourth day. I'm not only getting used to the environment at my work place, I'm even beginning to enjoy it. The reasons should be that I'm able to see all sorts of funny people doing all sorts of funny little things that can really make me laugh. And when I laugh, its not those fake laughters that I tend to have. Its the very sincere one that has been hiding somewhere for quite some time. -Glad that you're back-
I'm waking up earlier each day, because, I'm sleeping earlier each night also. -lame- Woke up at 4:45am this morning, just couldn't get back to sleep after that. Uncle did say that I don't have to be there at 6am but the strange thing is I reached the place at 5:40am. No cars around and it does look kind of scary. The next stupid thing that I did was to drive around the round-a-bout for more than 5 times as I was really too bored at that time.
The rest of the day at work was not special enough to be mentioned though it was a very busy day. Dad fetched me home at 4pm today and I went to nap at around 5pm.I woke up close to 8. Don't know why I seems to wake up earlier and earlier from my evening 'nap'. I rolled around a while feeling still sleepy, then I disturbed my friend on msn, but he don't seems to be around. So I pangya'ed a bit. Today must be quite a lucky day as I got one HIO after playing just 2 games only.

At around 9 just as my friend came online, daddy called up asking me what I want for dinner and I wanted char kuey teow, daddy asked the uncle at the coffeeshop but the uncle say don't want to make for me. Bad uncle. He just like to tease me so much

-------------------------------------------

Do I really feel tired? Do I really need to sleep that much?
I'm just getting more lazy each day. I'm even getting lazy to talk.
I like to be offline, I like to work, I like to sleep
-Because I'm living in my own world; I can hide my feelings from you-

To you, thanks, thanks for being there for me when I really needed someone

Watermelon? I choose them or they're choosing me?

2007-06-02T22:57:00.000+08:00

Second day of work (1st June) turn out quite well. I'm getting used to the environment in the shop and every now and then I'm enjoying the moment of counting money. Besides that, the cute uncles and aunties around seems to treats me in a more friendly way. Some did try to talk to me in english when I turn blur and confused. I just don't understand how they're actually to talk so fast in chinese. But overall, second day of work was kind of great as uncle came early to take over. I went home at 3:30pm wors.
Today, is already the third day of work. Went to work super early at 6am. Was still feeling sleepy at that time so I just waited in the car while the workers set up the tables and stalls.
Wasn't feeling so good in the morning. A strange feeling make me feels like vomiting since morning. Even my favourite ice coffee didn't help at all.
The next best thing that happened on this beautiful day was when i had to go out to buy watermelons and honeydews. Drove around the whole town just to get 6 big watermelons and 10 honeydews and that was like, 2 hours? Imagine me with the blur looks on my face, choosing watermelons. Lols. The fact that I can hardly carry the watermelon up in my hand is already funny enough.
Perhaps the weather was a little too strange or I'm just too tired. I started to feel sick during lunch hour and ended up with 38.7 degrees fever. Took two panadols and waited for my uncle to take over at 4pm. Came home and took a warm shower and then headed to oinkoinkz land. Was feeling too lazy to wake up when my phone started ringing at around 8pm. That's already 3 hours of sleep.
As for now, I guess I'm wide awake. But things that happened to a few friends is making me feel weird again. I keep telling myself that it'll be alright and not to think about it. My mind tells me so but my heart says otherwise. Who should I listen to this time? "Serene, complicated things aren't meant for simple minds like yours. Bear that in both your heart and mind, okies?"

I'm trying to put more 'rights' in things that I do but all get are more 'wrongs'
*put 3 big Xs on my forehead*

X1 - for insisting on doing the wrong thing

X2 - for being dumb and making others sad

X3 - for not being understanding enough

---------------------------------------------

I always thought that I'm growing up and I keep telling myself that I'm learning more each day. But the fact that I'm still living in the cry-baby stage hurts me alot.
-Am I crying because I'm sad? Or I'm sad because I'm crying?-

Tiring Day >.<

2007-05-31T23:49:00.000+08:00

It's been a real tiring day for lazy pig me

My maid came to wake me up at 5:30am andI went to my uncle's coffeeshop at 6am. I can't even see the sun yet at that time. The sky was still dark with Mr.Moon fading away and a sleepy pig had to drive 30minutes to reach her new work place.

My first day working as a cashier in this place is really tormenting. The environment was totally new to this piggy queen. Hot and stuffy environment, the large human crowd and all those people who walk around screaming theirs lungs off for just a cup of coffee can be so annoying but yet, so cute.

Imagine this man standing at the counter pointing at a packet of cigarette and a stupid half-awake girl staring at him hoping that he'll reach out his hand to get the packet of cigarette himself. That can be, so lame. The next funny thing is, I realised I'm a little color blind. I just don't know how to differentiate milk coffee from milk tea. Cruel daddy knocked my head for that reason.

I'll call this as miracle to myself but I managed to survive from 6am to 5pm. *pats my shoulder* "Great job my girl~ Hope you can survive working like this for 1 month"

As for now, piggy queen just woke up after 5 hours of sleep. Though I'm feeling less tired, I'm still feeling blur and confused so my entry for today should be short -lame excuses again-

I'm getting really weird recently. I'm no longer longing for you to say you love me. All I want now is to make myself smile again; sincerely. Hope I can learn to enjoy my new job and stop thinking those stupid thoughts.

-------------------------------------------------

-When things get too complicated for a simple minded girl, I'll just say; I dunno-

Perhaps, that's the only right thing that I can do for now

Loving my balcony~

2007-05-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

Stayed up till quite early yesterday and managed to see the sunrise from my balcony. Although I can only see very much of my neighbours' rooftop and lots of clouds, the view was indeed very pretty. Captured a few pictures and the nicest picture only consist of 25% rooftops, 30% clouds, 5% sunshine and 40% sky. Stood at the balcony for 5 minutes and I went back into my room. Couldn't stand the sound of insects from my garden and also the stupid tree that keep disturbing my view.

Then, I went back into my room n started rolling on my bed. Got bored after, er, 2 minutes? And I started playing with my phone. *thinks : who can i disturb at this time?* 6:15am. I tried calling a few friends who usually stay up late and none of them answered. Was a little disappointed but just at that time, I heard my maid knocking on my cousin's door and I've got the idea of waking those people who need to go to school and work. Sent an sms to someone and his reply was "you woke me up an hour earlier" so the stupid me felt guilty.

Sowwie

Next, I tried calling another person. *beep beep beep* and no answer. I hung up and 1 minute later I received a sms saying he's awake. I called him up and talked to him for a while. Rolled on the bed for a while more until 7:15 and I still can't get to sleep. So I took doggie down to the garden for a walk and came back with red spots on my legs.

Stupid mosquitos!

Left my handphone charging on the table and slept from 8am to 1am. Somehow my phone kept ringing in that few hours but I'm just too tired or I'll rather say, too lazy to bother to wake up and get it from the table. Different ringing tones from time to time.

Must have been those people that I called earlier.

It was just another boring day for me when I woke up in the afternoon. Came online and talked to a friends and did some other boring things. Someone called me a pig for not replying his sms and not waking up when he called me

-you're also a pig-

Cousin brother came to knock on my door at 6:30pm and in his sweet voice,

Him : Let's go to the shopping mall?

Me : Oh? Where where? For what?

Him : Buy somethings

Me : Okies. Let me take a shower 1st

Him : I'll wait for you

*thinks : How come he's so good today*

Later, in the car :-

Him : Did you remember to bring your credit card along?

Me : Yups. Why?

Him : Your mum wants us to get some stock for her.

I asked you along so you can help to carry the things and also pay later.

*DOTS* him

I thought by doing all this, you'll understand me better. But things turn out to be that you don't understand me at all. You did promise to change and to stop making me cry. And now, I did manage to stop crying. Not because you're making me feel better, but, I'm learning to be emotionless. I promised that there'll be less fake smiles and now I'm really keeping my promise.

-------------------------------------------------

-Even if there's a 1000 things to make me sad, but there's also 1 thing to make me happy; I'll learn to call it a happy day-

-I'm still working my way to the happy me-

You did say you're not interested in her, but tiny little things that you do makes me think otherwise; perhaps I'm thinking too much or perhaps, I'm just jealous

Little aeroplane? lols

2007-05-27T02:21:00.000+08:00

Managed to make myself happy today when I found that cute little aeroplane-like-thingy in my drawer while looking for a pen. Took it out and played with it for a while just to realise that it's actually a miniature flute. Found a small piece of paper behind it teaching us how to use the flute and super smart silly girl managed to learn 1 whole song. lols.

Me : I found something real cute lehs
Him : huh?
Me : Got a few holes, can blow de, got sound de -the way a 3year old describe things-
Me : I'm learning 1 song
Him : hmm.. what song?
Me : You know that chinese kid song? Little bee song
Him : Don't know
Me : Nevermind. I blow for u to listen
-turn on MSN voice conversation-
Me : Turn down you volumn. Later you faint
Him : Okies
-blows like an idiot; almost out of breath-
Him : So funny
Me : *nods*
Him : Try again?
Me : Don't want~~
Him : Why?
Me : You say I'm funny and you laugh so loud
Him : Funny cutecute ma
Me : Don't want. I record and set as new ringtone
Him : I want~
Me : Don't want~

Him : I want~ I want~

Me : Don't want~~ lalala~

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-Being ignorant isn't that bad afterall, at least I can smile-

rainy day? or just a crying me?

2007-05-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

Was having one of those doom days when everything turn out so wrong yesterday. First, I was feeling so blur and confused and all I did was just typing out my feelings in my blog entry. Then someone came along scolding for me posting such an emotional entry in my blog causing others to feel sad. Then, again, someone said I'm seeking for attention and begging for sympathy from others by merely typing out my own feelings. I was silly enough to put the blame on myself again and ended up crying for another few hours.

Prosecutor - Serene : Why do you make other's sad?
Defendant - Me : I didn't want to
Prosecutor - Serene : But idiot. You're making others sad by posting such entries in your blog.

Do you know that?
Defendant - Me : Yes. But who else can I talk to? I can only say my feelings out here.
Prosecutor - Serene : Are you trying to gain sympathy or something?

Or you just want guys to go oogle over you for being such a poor little thing?
Defendant - Me : No. I didn't want that
Prosecutor - Me : Your honour, I have no future questions
Judge's Verdict: - Guilty
Defendant : Yes

To that someone,

I posted all this entries because I want to let you know what I'm feeling and I thought that you'll understand what I'm going through in this past few weeks. I was feeling so weak and so tired, trying to get out of this dark hole. But just when I manage to reach the top, I stretched out my hand to you and without warning, you pushed me down. With a loud thud, I feel deep into this hole of misery and sorrow. Will I be able to make it back to the top again this time? I really doubt so, cause, I'm just so tired.

"I'm the one who's feeling super sad,
I'm the one who broke down and cry,

I'm the one who take sleeping pills n still cant get to sleep.
Then it becomes my fault for making others sad.
Damn it lar.
If they dont like they don have to bother reading my blog entry.
Why all come n scold me when I'm already down?

Just when I'm starting to feel better, they came to scold me again."

-------------------------------------------

-Must I really enter into depression to make other's feel happy?-

"Opinion are like asshole, everybody has one" - quoted

My apologies

2007-05-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
I'm sorry to those who were affected by my blog entries - sorry to make u sad
I'm sorry to those that really cared for me - sorry to make u worried
I'm sorry to those who have faith in me - sorry to let you down again

-I really don't want to see you all cry for me-

This time I'm not going to post any sad entries to my blog cause I can find no words to describe what I'm feeling now. I'm not feeling blur this time. I know what's happening. But somehow, I just feel confused. Maybe I pretend too much in the past few weeks and I know I'm pretending. Now, everything seems so fake to me. I've worn those fake smiles on me before. Even your smiles seems to be as fake as mine now. Whatever happened to me? I really don't know.

Serene : Learn to love yourself more.

Me : Why? I'm learning to love others.

Serene : When you don't even know how to love yourself,

you have no rights in saying you love others.

Me : Orhs

Serene : Now you understand le?

Me : Yups~ I'll love myself more.

Serene : So, stop crying, okies?

Me : -speechless-

If I feel so bad when I have to pretend, why do I still insist on pretending?

If I feel so sad to make other's happy, why do I still insist on doing so?

If I feel so tired to love, why do I still insist on loving you?

-Girl, you're just "Oh so dumb" -

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-Without realising it, I'm crying again-

An entry that I wish no others to see

2007-05-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

The reasons for me to cry:-

sad
confused
angry
blur
bored
disappointed
guilty
frightened
lonely
weak

The reasons for me to smile:-

to make others think I'm feeling alright
to make others smile
to pretend I'm happy
to hide my tears
to act innocent (quoted: KeRoBuNnY)

smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile~

Doesn't matter how much I force myself to smile, I can never hide the tears that form in my eyes. I'm feeling so stupid and dumb. I don't even know why I'm crying this time. Perhaps I did something wrong again? Perhaps I made him sad again? Perhaps I'm guilty for something that I did to a friend who trusted me so much? Or perhaps, I'm just crying because I was never right in the first place.

Thinking back of what happened in the past month all I can see is how I managed to hurt everyone and make everyone sad. I did try to convince myself, telling myself that I'm not the only one at fault when things turn out in such a bad way. Yet, in many ways, I find that I'm the one who causes all these. Do I really mean to make things bad? I really don't know.

Case 1:- "I never mean to hurt him like this. I'm blur and I didn't know his feelings"
Case 2:- "I was just trying to help her. I didn't know it'll turn out this way. If I knew earlier, I would've kept my distance"
Case 3:- "I just don't trust him enough. I know I do love him in some way"
Case 4:- "It's already wrong in the very beginning. Serene, don't drag it on. Don't make the cut deeper. Tell him it's over -thou it never really started-"
Case 5:- "Please learn to let go of something that doesn't even belong to you in the 1st place"
*Put 5 big Xs on my head* Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!
A reminder to myself :- smile smile smile smile smile~
Serene : Hey~ You're actually smiling
Me : Yups~
Serene : But.. that smile doesn't seem to belong to you
Me : huh? What do you mean?
Serene : You're not smiling your own smile again. You're just pretending.
Me : At least I did try to smile
-------------------------------------------
-I'm lazy to find excuses for myself to stop crying-

funny names

2007-05-24T01:33:00.000+08:00

Love this name lots~

Get Your Monster Name

Or perhaps you want a more sexy me?

Get Your Sexy Name

-------------------------------------------

-hiding my tears behind this fake smile-

I promised to stop pretending, but I really don't know when will I be able to do as I promised

me: you can do it ders >.< *muacks*

Oscar award winner~

2007-05-23T16:46:00.000+08:00

*la lalalalalala lalalalala~~*
Finally I have some music playing in my blog.
Was trying to make my blog more emo but everytime I visit my blog, I start laughing.

Anyway, I've been really emo lately. The reason? I also don't know. It's just like, I'm feeling tired in everything. Feels so lazy and I've lost interest in just everything.

Situation 1 :-
Every morning (or rather afternoon), I just wake up to find myself feeling worse off.

"smile smile smile" is all I can say to myself.

"Don't cry wors, silly girl. Your friends want to see you smile. Don't make them unhappy wors"

and yups~ that's what I do when I finally settle down to come online.
him : Where were you wors?
me : Was doing something ar
him : Why so late online? I've been waiting for you wors
me : Sorry sorry
him : Orhs
me : Really sorry wors >.<

Then I'll start asking myself :-

Serene : Why are you saying sorry?

Me : Because I came online late

Serene : Is it really because of that?

Me : Guess so

Serene : Guess so? Means no wors?

Me : I don't know. I really don't know

Face it, girl. You're saying sorry because you're lying. You were late not because of any other reasons and doing other things.
Lord Serene - Me : "you're guilty as charged!"
Me - Lord Serene : "yes, your honor"

Situation 2 :-
Recently I'm really getting stranger. I've been looking forward to dinner time with dad and mum.

Serene : Thought you're usually on diet 24/7?
Me : Dinner good marhs. Can accompany dad and mum also

-stop smiling. you're so fake-
Serene : Do you really think that way? Not bored??
Me : Be good girl marhs
Serene : Oh? Really?
Me : -speechless-

Reason : I don't want to stay online and smile. So fake.

Bonus :-

Being unhappy is already bad enough. Now, I'm making others sad too.

Girl, you're such an ass.

------------------------------------------

-I really wish I can cry. Really wish to tell you I'm crying. Really wish to stop pretending-
Life is nothing but a play marhs. Learn to live your life as an actress who acts ^^

too sick to arrange this

2007-05-20T23:41:00.000+08:00

Once again, cry baby Serene is crying her heart out~
*wipes doggie's fur with cloth*
Serene- Doggie : I'm sorry.. Didn't mean to wet you with my tears again.

People often say that they can never understand what a girl is thinking, but I personally think that guys are equally hard to be understood. For a thousand times, he might tell you that he loves, you're his most precious, he miss you and sweet little nothings but the fact that he's constantly hurting you can really make you confused.

I keep telling myself "girl.. don't cry", "he loves me", "he needs time to understand", "don't think too much" but when I look at things that's happening everyday, I'm forced to cry, forced to smile to others and say: -

"I'm okay.. Don't worry".

smile smile smile~ and pretend even more~ "Serene, You can do it!, You're the greatest girl" and I'll turn around and start crying again.

I remember when I was younger, mum used to tell me this when I fall down:-

"Girl, falling down is a process which all of us have to go through, only then, we'll learn to stand up and walk again.. Don't be afraid of crying when you're hurt, for you will smile when the pain is over"

Serene-mum: "Thanks mum, I'm learning to grow up, I'll learn to smile more"

Serene-frens: "Don't worry.. I'm a silly girl who smiles at everything"

Serene-doggie: "I'll never wet your fur again"

Serene-me: "Oh yes~ You're the greatest pretender"

him: I donwan to be mad because of such a small matter

him: Ok la.. sorry.. but must you treat me like that?

him: I donwan you to be emo over such things

him: Take it as my fault, ok?

him: These small matters can forgive me? You always wan to ignore. If a person who's precious to you ignores you, how? Think of others before you do anything.

me: -yet again; speechless-

------------------------------------------

-Don't be afraid to cry, my dear. After all, we're just humans-

-Telepathy doesn't exist between you and me for, you never understand me at all-

-Don't call me deardear if I'm only a "deer"-

I'm Happy~~ -not-

2007-05-20T00:13:00.000+08:00

me: I'm happy wor

him: I can feel that you're sad
me: I'm really not sad.. really happy de
him: You're also unhappy de ar.. Just that other people cant see it
me: Why say I'm sad wor? >.<

him: I can feel that you're sad in the inside but outside is happy
me: -speechless-

"him: Why are you crying again?

me: I look cute when I cry~

-------------------------------------------
-truth is, you really felt my sadness-

The Great Pretender - Serene

2007-05-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

-The Great Pretender-

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doin' well
My need is such, I pretend too much
I'm lonely, but no one can tell
Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game but to my real shame
You left me to dream alone
Too real is this feelin' of make believe
Too real what I feel, what my heart can't conceal
Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around
Too real is this feelin' of make believe
Too real what I feel, what my heart can't conceal
Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that you're still around
Pretending that you're still around
Pretending that you're still around

That's what I'm really feeling at this very moment. I hate the feeling that I'm having now. I feel so tired. I wanna pretend no more. Please allow me to be myself again. I'm getting sick; very sick of myself. Please stop torturing me and let me go. I don't want to see your love turning into someone else's hate. If it's meant to be like this, I'll ask you to let go.

-------------------------------------------------

-Sorry, I choose friendship this time-

-I'm beginning to love nightmares; at least I wouldn't be dreaming of you-

random thoughts

2007-05-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

smile~ smile~ smile~ smile~ smile~~
-but I'm crying inside-

When you came to talk to me today, all you talked about was just your frustations and things that really pulled you down. As usual the blur me would've just asked you to smile and relax but thing is, this time, I felt like I'll sink with you. All I can do is to keep trying, and, to keep failing. -Sorry dear, I'm really useless- I just feel so weak, so sick, so tired; tired of everyone, everything. I've lost the ability to cheer you up, the ability to give you little surprises, the ability to help you through and now, I've lost myself. This time, I don't even feel like letting you help me thru. Why? I wish to dig a hole to hide myself in, hide myself from everyone and bury my feelings with me.

When i woke up this morning, I was crying. Must have been a nightmare but I can't remember.

-------------------------------------------------

-A promise you made : to only share my joy and not my sorrows; Please don't see me when I feel so weak-

-To that special someone, I have something to talk to you about.. but sorry, I really can't say it now-

The Most "pleasant" Day

2007-05-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

"the more i try to get close to you, the further apart you go"
When you said that to me, all I can reply is just sorry, sorry and more sorry.
In the past few days, I keep asking myself, is it that I've lost the feelings for you or the feeling is not at all there in the 1st place? Do I actually feel your love for me? Do I love you like the way i want to? Or I'm loving you the way you wanted me to?
Once again, I chose to leave it for another day. My little brain cant take that much on a day when I'm sick.

Stepping back into reality:-
I used to think that rainy days are meant to be romantic but when it rained at 3pm today, I started shivering in the stupid pink mini skirt I wore to work. Thing is, they don't even bother to turn down the air-con. When the stupid lady came in and said "It's such a hot day today", I stoned for a while, trying to control my temper.. deep inside, I shouted "WTF!?"
That was the 1st "WTF!?" of the day.
Another tragedy of the day was when the customer said "I left my mobile in my car.. blah blah"
and mum replied "Where's your car? My daughter can get it for you". It turned out that the car is like 2 blocks away and i had to walk in the rain with a broken umbrella and this was when the 2nd "WTF!?" came by. Mum, the way you said that sounded so simple.

To make my day even better, I skipped lunch (thanks to the ladies) and dinner resulting in gastric. *highlights the word Gastric* <<-- 3rd "WTF!?" . Anyway, I took 2 Nexiums and all I can hope for now is to be sick enough and get to stay at home tomorrow.

------------------------------------------
-My mind keep telling me that it's love, but my heart tells me the feeling is long gone-

The Most Typical Serene~

2007-05-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

whee~this is my blog~

(as suggested by Kel, this should be the 1st entry in a lazy girl's blog)

Seriously, if you ask me about blogging and things my favourite answer should be as follow:-

dunno
nothing
sorry
I'm blur again

But still, i think i should explain the picture above..

As most of you know, I'm working for my mum now and this picture was taken by my colleague who caught me sleeping on the sofa when the others are busy working and checking stocks.

(points at the people in the background)

And yea.. i do admit that I'll sleep when I'm free during work time and at other times, you'll see me playing kongkong using the neighbour's wireless connection =X

Yups~ working for mummy rawks the world of a lazy teenager like me

Favourite moment today: -

location : restaurant

time : during dinner

people : dad, mum, me, uncle and his son

mum : girl, please stop blinking your eyes like that.. you look weird

me : weird? what weird?

mum : you're making others feel weird and it's not good to keep blinking while you're eating

me : mum, my eye hurts

------------------------------------------

-all I want is a person to talk to-
Sometimes I wish to ask, do you only know how to appreciate me when you see others showing affection to me? I don't want you to say "I love you" when others said "I miss you"

My little emotional world.

*scribbles*

MIA - II

MIA - I

I'm getting lazy =X

-Insecurity-

Cutest Encounter with Mr. Police

Lovin' You~

The Explaination I Owe

Monday Blues~

Mixed Emotions >.<

Clumsy Klutz~

New Found Love~

Loves My Dear~

My funny doggy~

boredom~

pictures~

Coffee * Money~

Monday and Tuesday~

Loves NorwegianRecycling~

Weird Feelings Within Me~

Tiring Wednesday~

Tuesday~ Lovely and cute day

Lazy blogger~

Lols~

3rd July

2nd July - Orientation day

Confession - serene's version

Confession~

The reasons~

Just stupid~

Emotion~

Cute paopao~

New friends for you~

Poor Unlucky Left-Hand

Monday's post

Living in Confusion~

Worst weekend ever`~

Saturday's Entry

Lovely day with Lovely cousin~

Learning more each day~

Sick Sick Night~

More oranges everyday~

Orange day?

Rum Raisin Ice-cream~

Boring day

Rainy weather? Gloomy Me =.="

Just another day

Given up hope, what more do I have?

FTW day - 13thJune2007

Happy to get a new car?

The 2 ways of looking at the same thing?

How silly can I be?

Scribblings

I 'love' Life~

Another bad day? Or everyday's just the same

and I really thought I'm 19 =.="

bad bad hormones >.<

pms week? >.<

First week~

Fourth day~

Watermelon? I choose them or they're choosing me?

Tiring Day >.<

Loving my balcony~

Little aeroplane? lols

rainy day? or just a crying me?

My apologies

An entry that I wish no others to see

funny names

Oscar award winner~

too sick to arrange this

I'm Happy~~ -not-

The Great Pretender - Serene

random thoughts

The Most "pleasant" Day

The Most Typical Serene~

scribbles